The Cullen's Hogwarts Invite
by HannahDrogo
Summary: When things get dull in the Cullen house, Harry Potter invite's them to Hogwarts. But what happens when a mysterious story-thief thieves the story? OOC, after BD. Not my best story, but it's the most popular, so I must be doing something right.Uber Goofy.
1. Chapter 1: Tiebreakers and owls

**Bella's POV**

"Do you know how many times I've seen this movie?" Emmett groaned as I put in _The Wizard of Oz._

"It's a classic," I muttered and I knew he would hear me.

"Classic or not, I've seen it like a million times! Can we watch something newer? Like this." He held up the case to Star Wars Episode 5.

"That's old, too." Alice reminded him from her spot on the lay-z-boy.

"But _The wizard of Oz _is old_er._ And Star Wars has action. And those awesome laser-guns that make that _pew-pew_ sound. And then when Darth Vader comes in and he's like 'No, Luke, I am your father' Ha! it's awesome! Oh, and it has the mini green dude, Yoda. And then--" He was interrupted by my husband.

"Vote," Edward said casually. "Wizard?" Jasper, Renesmee, Rosalie, and I raised our hands. Okay, 4 against four. That means...

"Tie-Breaker!" Emmet yelled triumphantly. "So what about an arm wrestling match? Or a race? What about a paint-ball fight... On motorcycles!!! Yeah, that'd be _awesome!"_

Seth raised his hand to shut him up. "Dude, stop talking about things like that, you're going to give Edward a... Well, I guess you can't have a heart attack, can you? Well, Emmett, you're really freaking him out." I looked at Edward. He had the most horrifying look on his face. He kept looking between my daughter and I. Huh, he really was protective.

"Fine, what _can _we do, Ed-ward." Emmet rolled his eyes, pronouncing each syllable of his name like a mental person, while hitting his chest with the side of his hand.

"Aw, don't ask Edward, Em, he'd pick something _really_ boring. Let's ask Carlisle!"

**Carlisle's POV**

I was almost finished with my filing when all of my children, and grandchild, and grandson-in-law, and his friend, came in. "Hello, children, to what do I owe this visit?" I asked.

"We need your help. You see... weweregoingtowatchthismovie,_TheWizardofOz,_butthenEmmettsaidhewantedtowatchStarWars,sowevoted,anditwasatie,andthenEmmettstatrtedlistingcrazythingsthatwecoulddoasatiebreaker,butEdwardwaslookingreallyfreakedout..." Alice said on one breath, but I didn't catch a word she said.

_Umm, What?_ I thought to Edward. He smiled then said, "What Alice was trying to say was, that we need a tie-breaker."

"I really don't know..." I looked behind my family to see a huge owl landing on my window sill. It had a letter tied to it's leg. "What. The. Freak?"


	2. Chapter 2: Deciding

**Emmett's POV**

It must've really been something to surprise Carlisle. I realized that a half a second later than everybody else. What I saw when I finally turned to look behind me, what i saw made me scream: "It's a bird! A disease-carrying, rodent-eating, unblinking owl!" I fell on the floor in laughter, as did everybody else. Everybody except for Carlisle. He walked to his desk, pulled out a packet of mini-doughnut's and walked to the bird.

"Here, girl." He held out a crumb and the owl jumped on his arm. He took a letter that I hadn't noticed before off of her leg. He read the letter several times before handing it to Edward, who handed it to Alice, who read it out loud.

"'_Dear Cullen's,_

_You do not know me yet, but I know you. You are vampire's. Now, I'll tell you what I am: a wizard. And I attend of a wizarding school with a healthy population, Hogwart's School Witchcraft and Wizardry. _

_Now onto the reason I'm calling upon you now. I would like to invite you to come to our school for the studying of the wizarding ways. I realize that this might sound like it's coming from a nutter, but I am telling the truth, and I hope you believe me. I have come to know that vampire's indeed have magic and are even more powerful than any wizard or witch. I haven't told any other vampire this, but I trust your family. My headmaster, Dumbledore, has told me to write this letter to you. _

_When you have made up your mind, send your response with this owl. And if you do choose to attend, we will send your supplies that you will need for no cast to you. Also, Carlisle and Esme could both have places here in some way or another. I hope you pick to come._

_Harry Potter'" _Alice finished and all was quiet.

The silence was driving me crazy, "I think we should do it!" I wouldn't mind having a change of scenery.

**Edward's POV**

Was he crazy? Did my brother finally crack? Was Rosalie abusing him more than I thought? Because this was just plain scary. No man should willingly put themselves in an insane asylum. Because this was a trick. The government thought something was wrong with us, so they sent a test to see if there actually was. But they weren't taking _me _alive.

What scared me worse was when Bella agreed with him. "Sounds like fun" She smiled up at me. I took her in my arms and looked at her in the eye's. They weren't joking.

"Carlisle." I begged. "Carlisle, can vampire's crack? Is there such thing as a crazy vampire? Can we get help? Do you know any therapists? Good ones?" I put my face in my wife's hair and whimpered.

"Son, I don't think there's anything wrong with Bella. I think whoever sent this is telling the truth." He put his hand on my shoulder. And I looked up at him.

"_You _believe it, too?" If I could produce tears, I would have then. I wondered how long I'd been living with psycho's. When Jasper felt my mood, he growled. Whatever I was feeling, he didn't like.

Then Alice had a vision. I was running. I don't know where I was running to, and I looked confused. Apparently I was running away from the house of the crazies. "Edward, don't you dare run away. Because, whether you like it or not, we're going to this..." She looked back down at the letter looking for the name of the school, " We're going to this school of Hogwarts." In her mind she chuckled at the picture of a pig with wart's that the name of the school gave her. _Hog-wart's! _She laughed mentally again.

"Well you guys are gonna make me do it! You can't be taking this thing seriously." I said mostly to my wife.

"We're going." Carlisle said, picking up the response he had just written off his desk.

**A/N: Yup, that's chapter 2. And I want review's. I might post chapter 3 tonight, even though I havn't even started writing it yet... I'm a fast writer. So, whenever I get enough review's, you won't have to wait long. But seriously on chapter 3 I really want review's. Just a couple. Tell your friends or whatever to review, then I'll post a LOT more swiftly.**


	3. Chapter 3: Waiting and Schedules

**Alice's POV**

I was sitting on the couch waiting for the owl to come. I saw it was coming today, what was taking so long? I bounced up and down on my seat, staring at the window where the bird would come. Jasper looked up from his book and put a hand on my shoulder to keep me still. "Hon, it's kind of distracting."

I glared, growled, went to sit by the window, and bounced there. Then I saw it. It was a mile away, but I could still see it with my vampire vision. "AH! It's there! Right there! It's coming! They didn't forget about us!" I felt like crying I was so happy. The family came to the window in seconds, everybody, that is, except for Edward. He took his time and only got there a few seconds before the owl came swooshing in.

"Swoosh!" I raised my hands, then dropped them before stopping right in front of the bird. Carlisle came over with the bag of doughnuts and I stuck out my hands, "Daddy, can I do it? Please? Just this once? Pretty, pretty, please with a cherry on top?" I begged. He laughed and handed me the bag. I tore off a piece of doughnut (plain, ew, it smelled like... like... like really bad!) The bird ate it in one bite and then stuck out her leg.

I took the letter and read aloud: "_'Dear Cullen Family,'"_

_Thank you so much for accepting. This is Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster at Hogwart's school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I told one of my best pupil's, Harry Potter, to write you before. He was very grateful for the privilege to do so. We will certainly be fortunate to have such knowledgeable __students__.'"_

_And as for your request of secrecy, that would be wise. We do not want to put any students in danger of being brought down by any dark wizard or witch. And I have told Harry not to act like he knows you. The next year will be the first time meeting you for him as the rest of the children. Or so he'll pretend. I am sending wands, textbooks, and quills for you to study with."' _

_I understand that you are unchanging and unaging, therefore would look very odd posing as first years. We have to decided to let you study years one through four at your home. You will be fifth years. Unless, of course, you'd like to have some of your children stand in for sixth years? We will send you books we used for the first through sixth years, if you do make that choice. If you'd like to all be in the same grade, you can give your sixth year books back to Professor McGonagall._

_And here are your schedule's...'" _I looked back in the envelope and found that there were eight slips of paper in it that wasn't there when I first looked. Each slip had a name on it: Edward, Isabella, Emmett, Rosalie, Renesmee, Alice, Jasper, Jacob, and Seth. I handed them out to their rightful owners then turned to mine.

1st period: Transfiguration. Teacher: McGonagall -- Time: 8:30 to 9:15

2nd period: Defense against the Dark Arts. Teacher: Snape -- Time: 9:20 to10:05 Room 42B

3rd period: Lunch -- Time: 10:09 to 11:10 Great Hall

4th period: Charms. Teacher: Flittwick -- Time: 11:15 to 12:00 Room 39A

5th period: Potions. Teacher: Slughorn -- Time: 12:05 to 12:50 Room 89C

6th Period: Herbology. Teacher: Professor Sprout – Time: 12:55 to 1:40 Green Houses

7th Period: History of Magic. Teacher: Binns – Time: 1:45 to 2:30 Room 12G

8th Period: Divination. Teacher: Trelawney – Time: 2:35 to 3:20 North Tower

"Sweet!" I ran over to Jasper's side and looked at his. It was exactly the same! "Jasper, it's the same as mine, see?!" I flashed him my schedule and kissed him on the cheek. "Edward, Edward, let me see yours!" I peeked at his and looked back at mine. "Oh, we only have Charms together..." I sighed and went to Bella, "What do you-"

"I have the same as Edward." She held up her hands. I walked over to Rosalie.

"Emmett and I have the same schedule." She said before I even looked at hers.

"Poop, we don't have _any_ classes together." I stuck my lower lip out. I started toward Renesmee but she finished the distance. "Let me guess, you and Jacob have the same classes?" I smiled while looking at her schedule.

"Yup, and Seth has a class with someone different in our family every period. So he'll never be alone." She handed back my schedule as I returned hers.

"Hey, hey Jasper! The owl with all our supplies will be here soon. Then we can start packing!" I pulled him upstairs to pack some non-magical clothes, if we'd ever need them.

"But school doesn't start for three more months!" He groaned.

"_"But school doesn't start for...'" _I said in a squeaky voice "Jasper, darling, it's not like we're going to use the clothes here." We were at our closet now and I was taking armfuls of shirts into a suitcase. Jasper was still standing at the door. "Pack!" I growled. He pulled his duffel bag from the shelf and dumped his underwear drawer in the bag. He filled his bag up first while I was trying to figure out which shirt would be better to bring. It was between a silk blue tank-top and a black velvet long-sleeve. "Jazz-"

"Blue one." He said before I could ask. I shrugged and put them both in my bag.

**Author's Note: Hey! Thanks for the patience! Review's are appreciated **

**Mucho Love,**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	4. Chapter 4: The Train Ride

**Jasper's POV**

I sighed, waiting for the shuttle to arrive. It had been weeks since we'd gotten that letter explaining everything, and now we were on our way to the airport… All the way to London. I sighed again. It had been a long couple of months, what with Alice giggling twenty four seven, and Edward whining anytime he passed any of us in the hallways, or when he glimpsed Bella studying, or when he, himself, was told to study.

And then Alice squeaked from downstairs. That could only mean that the shuttle was here to take us to airport. I heaved my bags down with little effort, and sloshed through the mud to the van. Everybody was already piled into it, and the driver was feeling inexplicably nervous… Inexplicable to himself, anyway.

**Alice POV**

So anyway, they took us to an airport, where they took us to London, where they took us to a train station, where a guy in a _horrible_ outfit came to talk to us. "Hello, I am Reamus Lupin, I am here to take you to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." He stuck his hand out to Edward who shook it and then he turned to Carlisle. "I'm sorry, but you'll have to say goodbye to your family here. My wife"-- he pulled a woman with pretty, short, pink hair out from behind him-- "Tonk's will take you to the hotel where you are to stay."

"Thank you," Esme and Carlisle hugged every one of us and turned to Follow Tonks.

"Now, your luggage is already on the train." I looked down to see my suitcase was gone. I gasped. Lupin laughed. "Ah, yes, summoning spell, I'm sure you've already learned that?" I thought back to the last three months. I had learned every spell there was to learn in all those books. And every potion. And every curse.

"Yes, we have." Edward said.

"Good, then, now just walk through that wall, and you'll be at the train" He gestured to the brick wall in between nine and ten. I looked into the future and saw us. In front of a magnificent, burgundy train titled _The Hogwarts Express._

"Oooh! Can I go first?" I jumped up and down and clapped my hands.

Reamus chuckled and said "Why, of course." I jumped about four feet off the ground before doing a somersault into the wall. It was like there was no wall there. I opened my eyes to see the great train in front of me. There was a sucking sound and the rest of my family came walking through the wall. "Do you see it guys? Isn't it _awe_some? Come on!" I tugged my husband's arm and walked through the door of the train.

**Renesmee's POV**

Ew. Ew. Ew. EWEWWEWEEWEWEW!!!!!!!! _STOP!_ I shouted mentally towards my dad. _WTF? YOU'RE MY FREAKING PARENT'S! DON'T YOU CARE THAT YOUR DAUGHTER'S WATCHING YOU MAKE OUT?_

After several minute's of this kind of bull my Dad finally broke the kiss. "Why don't you go just sit somewhere else then?" He said like a little kid.

"Very mature, dad. But, I'm not going to start making friends with freaks." I rolled my eyes, and curled up into the corner, looking out the window with my arms crossed. The fields were rushing by, and the mountains were getting higher.

Finally after three more, long hours I saw a building up ahead. As soon as we were close enough, I saw that it read "Hogsmead Train Station". You could literally feel the tension wave through the train. I giggled as I thought of what Jasper was feeling, I glanced over, and I saw him grab a stitch in his chest, like he'd just had a heart attack. Poor uncle Jasper…

**A/N: Sorry about how short it is, but I didn't really think this chapter was important. It was needed, but not important. I'm very thankful to all those who subscribe and Review. But I really like reviews! So, again, tell your friends and crap about this if you like it. If you don't then I'd really prefer if hater's wouldn't read it. And any suggestions? I have the last few chapters planned, but if you guys could think of something funny, that'd be great, I'd give you thanks' in an author's note. And if you like this check out The Ultimate Harry Potter/Twilight Crossover! By Gemini53095. It's really funny! (It's on my favorite's if you need a way to get to it!) And thanks' again for like the millionth time for the reviewers! Oh, and sorry for this chapter. It really wasn't funny.**

**Much Love**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	5. Chapter 5: Drorses and the Headmaster

**Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in the FanFiction. They are all the brilliant creations of Stephenie Meyer and J.K. Rowling. I, in no way, intend to sell this or earn profit off this little bit of fun.  
Also, any products I use, or any business I set any part of this story in do not belong to me, and credit should be given to such business'. **

**Edward's POV**

"It's a castle." Twitch "Castle, it's a castle. Castle.... OMFG IT'S A FREAKING CASTLE! WE'RE GOING TO SCHOOL AT A CASTLE!" Emmett screamed then twitched so hard I was afraid he was having convulsions. "Castle. Castle, we're going to school at a castle. It's a castle..." He repeated this a couple more times until Rosalie hit him on the back of the head.

"Shut _up_, Emmett." She screeched.

"Fine, I'll just look at the drorses pulling the carriage!" He stuck his head out the window and started chanting: "Drorses, drorses, they're pulling us to the castle with drorses. OMFG, THEY'RE PULLING US TO—"

"WHAT THE HELL IS A DRORSE?!" Alice yelled over him. He pulled his head back in the window and shook his head at his sister.

"Ally, Ally, Ally. When will you ever learn? Drorses are half dragon half horse, so, in turn, that makes these things pulling the carriage, Drorses" He rolled his eyes and mentally added _"Der-duh-der"_

"No these things are threstal's. Didn't you read your text books? Only someone who sees death can see thestrals. And since many of us _caused_ death, I think we can put ourselves in that category." Alice, who had spent most of her time memorizing her textbooks the past months, rolled her eyes.

"Whatever, they'll always be drorses to me. And I think I'll name that one... Skipper." He smiled and turned to the rest of us. "Ooh, can I name the other one?" Renesmee started jumping in her seat.

"Yeah, why not?"

"I think I'll name her... Leslie!" She clapped her hands really fast. **(**

"It's obviously a _boy_." Emmett snorted.

"Is not,"

"Is too"

"Is not"

We stopped then, and Renesmee and Emmett jumped out and asked the big hairy guy feeding the threstal's food what they're gender was. "Is that a boy or a girl?" the asked together.

"Wha? Marie n' Rory? They be girls." I picked from his mind that his name was Hagrid. "Wait." He stopped them before they could run off. "Yer be them vamps?" He lowered his voice to a whisper.

"Yes-sir-ee! I'm Renesmee and this is my uncle Emmett! Back there is my mom Bella, my dad, Edward, my aunt Rosalie, uncle Jasper, aunt Alice, Seth, and my husband Jacob!" She flicked us off on her fingers.

Hagrid let out a booming laugh and said "Okay, there, yer run along now."

Emmett and Renesmee ran over to us again. "Cullen's?" A tall lady with cat-eye glasses came out on the steps.

"Yes," I stepped in front of my family.

"Come with me." She turned and we followed. We stopped in front of a gargoyle statue. "Jelly doughnut!" Emmett started to laugh but was immediately silenced by the statue starting to move and revealing a moving staircase. She walked up and we followed. We stopped in front of a large door and they woman knocked.

"ENTER!" A voice boomed behind the door.

"Dumbledore, these are the Cullen's." I turned to look at her, but she was gone.

"Hello, I am Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore." He stuck his hand out to me and I shook it.

"Hello, I'm Edward, this is Bella, Emmett, Rosalie, Renesmee, Jacob, Seth, Jasper, and Alice." I gestured to them as I said their name.

"Yes, well, some simple steps to avoid any dark wizards chasing after you are to be secretive, avoid the sunlight, stay away from people with prices on their heads… Harry Potter for example… Take your 'meals' in your quarters… Uh… spread it around that you're doing that... Well, I had it all written down somewhere… Hmm…" The wizard looked poked around his desk and gave up after about 20 seconds. "Well it seems I have misplaced it" He smiled a very friendly, old person smile. "I'll send it to you once I find it again, shall I?"

"That sounds good." Alice flashed him a toothy grin.

"Very well, then… would you like me to start it around that you guys dine in your quarters?" He asked politely.

"I thought we were going to stay in like dorm rooms?" Bella spoke for the first time since arriving.

"Well it's seems inappropriate that a bunch of two hundred-plus, married vampires and werewolves should have to bunk with 16 and 17 year old, hormone-driven teenagers." His eyes had a dreamy quality to them, and then he added : "But of course, if you'd _like _to, I can easily have that arranged."

"Oh! Oh, no, I just wasn't expecting anything special." Bella would have been blushing, had she had blood to prick her cheeks with.

"Good, I shall speak with you later, then." The Professor walked us to the door and stopped with his hand on the knob. "Oh! Why dear me! I forgot to tell you which house you will be in!" He threw his hands up in the air. "Jasper, Alice, Jacob and Renesmee are in Slytherin. Bella and Edward are in Hufflepuff. Rosalie and Emmet are in Ravenclaw. Seth will then be in Gryffindor." He glanced around at us happily and swished gracefully down the spiraling staircase.

**A/N: Holy cheese nuts! That's a long chapter! Review! Well gotta go to school :-(**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	6. Chapter 6: Drunk Kids

**Jacob's POV**

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. "STOP!" I hissed at Renesmee. She was poking me with her fork.

"Your shirts not tucked in!" She whispered and poked me again with her fork. I quickly tucked on my shirt and stuck my tongue out at her. "Mature." She whispered out of the corner of her mouth.

"Shut it, guys." Emmett glared at us. "Mumble-roar is talking." He jerked his chin towards the front of the "Great Hall" where Dungbeetle was eating his feast.

_"Yeah, maybe. I don't know, I mean the last couple of months she's been incredibly moody. I think it might be menopause..." _Dumblydore said to the midget teacher. We were probably the only ones to hear him, what with our super hearing.

"Em, he's not talking to us. He's talking to a teacher." Renesmee rolled her eyes.

"But we might miss something... Did you know McGonagall is going through menopause? That could be on a test." He said and went on listening to old people gossip.

"Hey, Dad?" Renesmee called across the table. He gave her a funny look and she corrected herself. "Edward? Why do we have our own rooms?" I coughed into my cup. Had she not been listening to him yesterday?? It was so we could get it on in peace!

He cleared his throat and looked down at his plate and mumbled something that I couldn't hear.

"Huh?" She said loudly.

"Tell you later!" He said and got up, pulling Bella along with him. When they were out of the room I told her why.

"Oh, so, they think-?"

"Yeah." I left the table.

**Emmett's POV**

Ha! Did you know that they give students wine here? And now I had Renesmee and Seth drunk! They looked totally weird together.

"Hey? Hey, Runny-ssss-may?" Seth slurred as I walked them to their rooms.

"Whaaat? Sethulumps?" she snorted and took another swig of wine.

"Hey, do you know what these sticks are? Are they supposed to be nose-pickers?"

"What?! No! They're CLEARLY back scratchers... OMFG do you see that purple moose?!" She pointed behind Seth. He turned around.

"Huh? Nope, all I see issss-" He passed out.

"Sef? Sef are you sleeping again? You need -- we need -- I want to go to sleep too!" She turned to glare at me. "Emmet McFarty Cullenator! Why can't I go to sleep too? Is Seffers more luckier than myself?!"

"Nope he has to roll home. Your luckier, Ness." I kicked Seth all the way to his dorm. By that time Renesmee was dead on her feet. "Come on Nessie, just a little further!" I held her by her armpits and knocked on her door. Jacob answered.

"OMG!" He yelled. I was afraid he was going to punch me but then he whooped in victory. "YAY! I've always wanted to draw on somebody while they were passed out drunk! This is gonna be AWESOME." He pulled her unconscious form over his shoulder and smiled at me. "Good night, Emmett!"

"G'Night!" I yelled over my shoulder as I walked away.

**A/N: Another short chapter! It wasn't funny, but I realized that I'm not a very funny person... I'm going to try to be as funny as I can, but I need your guys Idea's. I have a few of them myself, and I think it'd be funny... But remember to review and add me to your favorites! (But mostly review!)**

**eamclvr27**


	7. Chapter 7: Her Dry Scalp and Mr Greasy

**Bella's POV**

"Ah!" Renesmee came in our room, screaming. "Wake up, mom! Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey! Dad! Get you fricken BOOTAY up and ready!" She bounded on our bed and started jumping wildly. I, who was sitting at my desk and Edward, who was buttoning up his robes, froze when we saw her.

"Renesmee," Edward said to our wild daughter. "Ness, you are aware that your mother and I don't sleep, right?" She kept on jumping on our bed.

"Yeah! Yeah! Neither do I! Well, at least, I didn't last night! We had a red-bull drinking contest after I woke up from Jacob Drawing on my face! And tonight is Rockstar Night! And then we're going to ask Carlisle to send us Monsters!" She bounced off our bed and onto my desk. "Hey mom, did you know that I can see the top of your head from up here? Your scalp is kind of dry... Maybe you should use conditioner..." And with that she left.

I walked over to Edward. "Is my scalp dry?"

He looked down at the top of my head and smiled innocently. "Well, you know what? I'm... Kind of... ready... I'm going to be late for class!" He sped out of the room. I felt my hair. It didn't seem dry to me... I left the room planning to follow my husband when an odd scent wafted past me. It kind of smelled like... anxiety? I followed the smell.

"You're a shape-shifter, and I know it!" A frizzy-haired, bucktoothed girl screamed at Seth.

"Chick, I have a wicked hangover, I'm _really_ not in the mood right now." He kneaded his forehead and scrunched his nose.

"Just admit it!" She yelled as I walked over to help Seth.

"Seth," I held my hand out for him. "Seth, what did this girl say?" I winked as the girl looked away.

"He's a shape-shifter! I know it! I've read about them!" The beaver-toothed girl was on the verge of crying.

"And what's your name?" I asked like I was afraid for her sanity.

"Hermione Granger." She proudly. Seth burst out laughing.

"Her-my-knee? It sounds like 'her, she's my knee'! Man, I want to be your friend! Come on!" He grabbed her arm and they went off to class.

I stared after them in disbelief. I turned around to see Jacob hiding behind a suit of armor. "SHHHH! THEY ARE GOING TO CATCH ME!"

"Who?" I whispered.

"Barlodious Neverhump! He's an airplane! He's been chasing me around all morning." He smashed the can of Red Bull he was drinking on his head.

_"Students, school will be starting in thirteen minutes! Please start walking to your classes!"_ A voice came over the whole school. I sighed and ran at vampire speed to my class; nobody saw me. I was one of the first ones in front of the door.

**Alice's POV**

Ah, Transfiguration class was way below my level. I walked slowly to defense Against the Dark Arts. As soon as I walked in it cheered me up; I saw the teacher. He had incredibly greasy hair that I would give anything to wash. I jumped up and down, giggling, clapping my hands.

"Alice, I'd stop if I were you. That one looks dangerous." Jasper whispered and I snorted. _'Dangerous' _? To Me? HA!

The greasy haired man saw us and walked over. "You must be the Cullen's, pleasure to meet you." I heard gasps from the other students. I guessed it was for my wicked fashion sense.

"Yes, I'm Jasper, this is Alice." Jazzy smiled politely. The greasy hair guy looked at me like I was crazy and Jasper chuckled. "Yes, she's a little excited to be here."

"I'll try not to disappoint." He smiled an ugly smile and some kid with messy hair screamed.

"What?! You'll 'try not to disappoint'?! What is that?! You big nosed, greasy-haired--!"

"Mr. Potter, that's 30 points from Gryffindor and a trip to Mrs. McGonagall!"

Potter? Potter? Oh _Harry _Potter. The one who wrote us the letter. I jumped even more quickly. "Jazz, Jazz, it's Harry Potter! The one!" I whispered in his ear. "You know, the one?!"

"Yes," He pushed me into my seat. I turned in my chair to stair open-mouthed at Harry Potter. He was actually kind of cute. I'd expected some nerd, who won a contest to write a letter to vampires, but this one wasn't as nerdy as I'd hoped. He was short and skinny, with a scar like a lightning bolt on his forehead. I heard that was a FAMOUS scar… The _one _that Voldemort caused…

"Attention!" the teacher yelled and I turned to look at him. "Today, we will be learning about-- Mr. Longbottom! Don't you realize that there's cake on your face?!"

"It's pancake, sir." The student mumbled.

"5 points from Gryffindor!" Mr. Greasy yelled and turned back to his board, where the chalk was writing things by itself. I was in Slytherin… Yay. I wonder what that meant… Hm…

**Authors Note: Long Chapter! I know, I'll try to shorten them up, because when I was writing another story, someone left a comment saying it was kind of tedious to read all of it at once, so I tried to shorten them up. Sorry again, it wasn't funny. I need more idea's! seriously, guys, review and comment, 'kay? If you want it to be more funny, then I need some idea's. I'll research tonight. Thanks again to all my reviewers! I love comments! Even hate comments!**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	8. Chapter 8: McGonagalls Pen and Kelly

**Rosalie's POV**

"Quills out!" The teacher yelled.

"Quills?" I whispered to Emmett. He looked around at the other students.

"I think they mean feathers." He raised his hand. "Teacher! Where do we get feathers?"

"Excuse me?" She wrinkled her already wrinkled forehead.

"Feathers? You know the things that everybody has? You told us to get out 'quills' but nobody here has porcupines. Just feathers." He shook his head.

"Um, your writing utensils?" She seemed taken aback.

"Oh, can I use pen?" He dug in his bag and pulled out a nice new gel pen.

"What is that?" She took his pen from him. "What does it do?" she shook it up and down.

"It's a pen... You write with it. Here" He took another pen out of his bag and scribbled on his paper. "And when you're done writing…" He clicked his pen, "the thing just goes right back in." Professor McGonagall clicked the pen like she'd never seen anything like it. "You can keep that if you'd like." Emmett smiled.

"Yes. Oh, well i guess you can use _'pen'"_ She walked back to her desk.

"Great!" He clicked his pen two more times and got to work. I smiled and took out my own.

**Jasper's POV**

"You know what's weird?" Edward asked as we walked to the dinner table

"Huh?" I mumbled.

"My Transfiguration teacher wouldn't stop clicking her pen. I didn't even know they used pens here. I thought they were, like, stuck in the sixteenth century, or something. And it's not just the clicking that weirded me out, it was the way she was so _fascinated _by it that was freaky. She barely gave the class any of her attention."

"That was me" Emmett said when we sat down.

"What?" I asked.

"I gave her the pen because I didn't have a feather." He took a bite of cake and spat it out. "Oh, yeah, I forgot. I can't eat."

"How do you forget?" Edward shook his head and turned to talk to some witch next to him.

"AHHH! THERES A WOLF OUTSIDE!!!!" A girl about 13 years old ran inside. Dumble-button looked from Seth to Jacob and then looked puzzled. About five seconds later a naked man strolled in and the girls giggled.

"Oi!" He put his hands in the air gangster-style. "What it do, what it do, Homeslice's!!!" He raised his hands higher. "Now, I been hearin' from my gangsta homey's down at da BK that we have some mad-ass break-dancers up in this premises! Ya'll think ya'll good enough for the big K?!?!"

Edward chuckled. "Kelly..." He mumbled.

"Aw, whaaaat? I hear some dissers of the K's name?! Is there something wrong wit' it, my overly-white friend?" Kelly walked right up to Edward.

"Yes, actually, Kelly is a _girls _name. **(A/N: Sorry, if there's any guy's named Kelly who read this. I don't actually think it's a bad name. I have a guy friend named Kelly. Sorry, again, no offense) **And therefore, you have no right to be coming here and trying to act all cool in front of these kids, _Kel-leee._" He turned back around to his food without eating it.

Kelly took out a can and drank the contents. A few seconds later he rose in the air. "Red Bull give's you WINGS!!! Ya'll want to be messin' wit da Big K wit da wings on 'is back, now? Huh? Not so much, whitey?!"

Edward turned back around. "If you haven't noticed, you are Caucasian, also."

"What if are? Ya'll got some problems wit' da pale-skinned? Ya'll racist!" He rose higher and started spinning. "Now anyway! I want the best of the best Dancers to break it down right here! All those bro's and ho's that want to show yo stuff, get yo butt's-" He fell down unconscious. Dumble-bumble ran and checked his pulse.

"It seems he had a caffeine crash. And his breath smells like a BK Mocha Joe. It actually smells like he's lived off of them and Red Bull for about 6 weeks. His heart finally gave out." He told the nurse. "Go put the body in the dumpster before it stinks up the whole school." He told the big furry game-keeper.

"Ay!" The game keeper pulled the dead Kelly up by his bare foot. When he was half way out the door, the game keeper called back to Dumbleton: "On second thought, Dumbledore?!"

"Yes, Hagrid?"

"Well, ye see... I've been eating stone cakes fer a week now... 'N I was just wondering if I could have some ribs tonight." He gestured to the corpse.

"You want to eat a dead drug addict?" Dumblebelly asked, but he didn't seem grossed out.

"Better 'n lettin' it go ter waste, Dumbledore."

"Well, if that's what you want..."

"Yes-sir-ee! I'll see ye in da mornin'! I'm havin' meself a barbecue!"

**A/N: I have been getting on a ton of favorite lists and stuff, but I'm only getting a few reviews... I really like review, do you mind writing a few more? Oh, thanks again to all my readers, and give me idea's to be funnier. Sorry about the long length, it's kind of in my nature to write like this. I'm a nerd. So, yeah... R&R! Oh, and I love Hagrid. So don't get bad at me for making fun of him, because he's one of my favorite Harry Potter Characters (Draco Malfoy is my first)**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	9. Chapter 9: Harry's Crush and RPattz

**Harry's POV**

What a bunch of nutter's. What was with them? Were they just naturally freaks? Except for that little short girl, Alice. She was perfect, beautiful, petite, charming, admirable, alluring, angelic, dazzling, graceful, gorgeous, flawless, pure, skilled... She was just beyond compare. And she was going to be mine. The only thing keeping us apart was her stupid boyfriend, Jasper.

He always glared when I glanced at her; like he knew the infatuation I was feeling. I saw him whisper to his freak brother, Edward, and point at me. Edward would always purse his lips and nod. Ha! Alice was probably getting annoyed with him! She felt the connection too! Soon she would be in my arms and we would be inseparable...

"Harry! Harry!" Ginny snapped her fingers in my face. "Are you listening to me? I just said that there was another Hogsmead visit in a few days."

"I- yeah... I'll- I'm going to tell the Cullen's.... I don't think they've ever been." I got up and walked over to the Slytherin table (Earning a glare for Malfoy and his goons).

"... Carlisle said we would go back for Christmas. He didn't say much-" Jasper was talking and I saw him twitch when I approached. "Ah… Hello, Harry." He turned around and gave me the fakest of smiles.

"Hey, Jasper." I spat." So, you guys, there's a Hogsmead Weekend coming up, and I know you've never really walked through it, and I was just thinking me and my friends – Hermione and Ron – could give you the grand tour?" I blushed as I saw Alice from the corner of my eye.

"Oh Harry! That sounds absolutely terrific!" Renesmee chimed. I smiled a bit.

"It _does!" _Alice giggled. Jasper had turned back to his pork roast and was poking at it. "Oh Jasper! Be nice to Harry! He's so kind!" She smacked the back of his head and he turned around with the same fake smile.

"You're right, I'm sorry for being so rude, Harry. Truce?" Jasper stuck out his hand and I shook it. I nodded and walked back to my table.

**Ron's POV**

Stupid Harry. He never fancied the right girls; they were always second-class. "Oi, Harry, what is it with you and that Alice girl? Bacon rasher!" I yelled at the fat lady and we walked into the common room.

"Why? Did she look like she fancied me?" He patted down his hair.

"Not even close, bloke. She looked like someone who was desperately trying to be polite." I pat his back once and turned to Hermione. "You and that Seth character, huh?"

"Seth? What of him?" She looked up from her book.

"You seem to really fancy him... Huh?" I nudged her.

"He thinks my name is 'her, she's my knee'. I really don't see a potential relationship there. He's very immature."

"So are we." I pointed to Harry and myself.

"I don't see a relationship within the realm of reality with you." Her nose was in her book again and she turned a leaf.

"Whatever." I walked over to a seat by the fire and plopped down in it.

"_... The Cullen's have their own dorms. Bella and Edward share one, then Alice and Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett, Jacob and Ren-- Run-- aw, jeez, I can never say her name." _I heard a boy whisper to his friend across the room.

_"It's Renesmee, now go on." _the second bloke urged him.

_"Yeah, well she and that Jacob guy share one, and then Seth has his own. Lucky aren't they? Wonder how much their parents paid Dumbledore. But Malfoy doesn't get his own... Think there's something special 'bout them?"_

_"I don't know, but there's something _weird _about them."_ the second one answered. Why were they thinking so much of them? I didn't see anything different about them...

**Third Person**

Edward sat alone in his dorm when he heard a triumphant scream from the Gryffindor tower. _"AH-HA! I FIGURED IT OUT!" _The girl screamed. Edward searched for the thoughts that backed it up, but I got lost somewhere in some Ravenclaw's thoughts. He sat listening to the Ravenclaw until he heard footsteps approaching his door. *KNOCK KNOCK*

He answered it. It was Hermione Granger. "Hello, Hermione, what brings you--" She held a Tiger Beat magazine up to his face.

"I got it! You're Robert Pattinson!" She showed him the article.

_Robert Pattinson, 23, has been seen partying with... _He read the first line and then looked at the picture. I did sort of resemble him, although this man had light-brown hair and grey eyes. He also had bushy eyebrows... He was way more tan than Edward.

"This isn't me." He handed her back the magazine. "I have honey eyes, not blue."

"Don't muggles have something called contacts?" She reached up to poke his eyes.

"Listen, come in and I'll tell you." He pulled her in his room

**A/N**: **That wasn't funny, not really. But I really need ideas. And then thanks to all the reviewers! Gracias to all the peeps who put me on their favorites! It gives me a giggle whenever I get an email saying that someone liked my story. I love it! Remember to review! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!!!!!**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	10. Chapter 10: Hermy knows, Voldemorts Song

**Hermione's POV**

A solid ghost? Seriously? Whose ghost was he? Edward Cullen's ghost? Were they all ghosts? "I don't believe you." I said finally.

"Ah, Hermione, why won't you accept the truth?" He pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head.

"Because it's not the truth." I stood up from my seat on his couch.

"Why isn't it?" He stood up too and looked down at me.

"Because I've never heard of anything like it." I'd read all the books about exotic creatures in the magic world; I knew what I was talking about.

"Aren't.... Muggle scientists like discovering all these new creatures all the time?" He said in his stupid American accent. "My accent is not stupid!" He yelled and I gaped at him. It all fit together then.

"You can read my mind... You're a mermaid!" I pointed at him then ducked down to pull up his pant leg to look for gills or scales.

"Hey! Get out of my pants!" He yelled and less than a second later his girlfriend, Bella, was in the doorway.

"You bitch! You're trying to molest my husband?!" What? Husband? Weren't they a little young for marriage? How old were they?

Oh. Immortals. I see.

"Vampire's" I muttered.

"Edward? You...?" She stopped and I felt a little pushing on my mind like someone was trying to push through my head, or at least covering it with some type of sheet. Edward shook his head and Bella sighed either with relief or worry.

"I'm right?" I gasped.

"You can't tell... consider my family. What would it do if you ruined our secret? Voldemort?" I shuttered at the name. "He could hunt us down, and kill us. Please Hermione, you have to don't tell anybody... Not even Harry or Ron." He was down on his knee and he took my hand and kissed it. His skin was so cold. "Please, keep this to yourself, I don't want to be the death of my family... and I'm sure you don't either" He looked into my eyes pleadingly.

"Of course... I-- hey, why haven't you killed us all?" I asked.

Bella and Edward laughed together. "We don't drink human blood; only animals." He said in an 'obviously' kind of tone.

"Ah, I see... was I right about Seth?" I asked. "Shape shifter?"

"Yeah... And I _will _know if you tell anybody," He tapped his temple. "Mind-reader, I'll be listening." He winked and Bella growled.

"Yes... um can I ask you questions later?" I walked towards the door.

"Yeah," I barely heard as I ran out the door. _Can you hear me from here? _I laughed but kept on running.

**Emmett's POV**

"See? This is Voldemort... I can't believe you haven't heard of him." Harry shook his head and handed me a picture of a bald guy with no nose.

"What happened to his nose?! I want to sing a song for him!

"_Voldemort. _

_had a wart, _

_upon his face. _

_He was a disgrace, _

_To his mom and dad,_

_They got all sad,_

_So he killed them both,_

_And made an oath,_

_To kill some more,_

_Because it felt good,_

_To murder in the hood,_

_Ooh-oh-ooh_

_He likes the color white,_

_He molests kids,_

_Without a fight"_

"Awesome! Sing it again! I want to write it down and send an owl to everybody-" Ron took out a feather and an eighteenth century piece of paper.

"Whoa, whoa, why don't you just Twitter it?" I pulled my laptop out of my bag and logged on to my account. "You know what? I kind of got suspended for weird activity on Twitter... MySpace!" I logged onto my account and typed in the song. "World-wide." I muttered and clicked send. "Now everybody will get it... Even the white man himself." I smiled in contentment.

"Really?" Ron smiled.

"Yes, my little British friend, he will," I turned to Harry. "Now little English shrimp, Alice wanted you to meet her in her room." His face lit up.

"See you later, suckers!" He got up and left.

**A/N: Hey how was it? Funny? Not? Hate it? Love it? REVIEW! I love reviews. Even hate reviews... *stares off into space dreamily***

**HannahMalfoy27**


	11. Chapter 11: Voldemort Get's the Email

**Disclaimer: This goes for all my chapters in this story: If I owned Twilight, do you think I'd be writing fan Fiction? I think not. So I don't. Don't bug me.**

**A/N: CONTEST!!!! Whoever can guess **_**first**_** why I put the Cullen's in Hufflepuff, and PM's it to me, or puts it in a comment/review, gets the first glimpse of every chapter I write before I post it! And a shout out on my next chapter's Authors Note! Sound Good? **_**(Note: this is old. I went back and fixed all the chapters, so no not all the vampires are in Hufflepuff. The answer was that Cedric Diggory was in Hufflepuff)**_

**Third Person**

Voldemort sat alone at his computer desk. "Ooo, 3 new emails! Aren't we popular?" He opened the first one.

This is a once in a life time chance! Act now and get a free...

"Spam." He sent he email to the spam file and clicked the next one. It was from MySpace.

Grizzlyboy2712 has sent you a forwarded message!

Click here to read or reply to reply to the full message!

He clicked on it:

_Voldemort,_

_Had a wart,_

_Upon his face,_

_A big disgrace,_

_To his mom and dad,_

_They got so sad,_

_So he killed them both,_

_And made an oath,_

_To kill some more,_

_Because it felt good,_

_To murder in the hood,_

_Ooh-oh-ooh,_

_He likes the color white,_

_He molests kids,_

_Without a fight_

"WHAT?!?!" Voldemort screamed to the empty room. "I ONLY MOLEST KIDS WITH FRECKLES!!! AND I LOVE WHEN THEY PUT UP A FIGHT! I LOVE TO WATCH THEM CRY IN PAIN! I'M GOING TO FIND THIS GRIZZLYBOY2712, AND TELL HIM THE TRUTH!" He clicked on Grizzlyboy2712's profile.

Grizzlyboy2712's profile is set to private; to look at his profile he must accept you to be your friend.

"Send friend request," Voldemort muttered and clicked the button.

**Emmett's POV**

"Ooh, a new friend request... 'Snakespeaker34'? Yeah, what the hell? Accept." I murmured and clicked the accept button. "Look at profile." I muttered as I clicked the picture. It was weird. There were pictures of some naked pale guy and a huge snake. I never got to see the guy's face though; he was always licking the snakes head. "Nasty!" I said as I came across one specific picture and I exited out really fast."I'm not innocent! I will never feel clean again!" I rubbed my eyes and ran in the bathroom to douse my eyes with soap and water.

**A/N: Yeah, I know it's short. But a couple of my other ones were really long, so this kind of makes up for it.... If you didn't get the message on the top of the chapter, it said that I have a contest going. Guess the reason I picked Hufflepuff for the Cullen's and sends it to me first, and you'll get a sneak peek into the chapters before I post them and a shout out on my next chapter! Remember to review and comment... Even if you hate it!**

**eamclvr27**


	12. Chapter 12: Seth Imprints, Emmetts found

**Alice's POV**

"Ouch!" Bella screamed from her seat at the breakfast table.

"What?" Edward said quickly.

"I bit my tongue." She stuck her tongue out and Edward looked it over.

"Nothing wrong with it." He looked back down.

"Oh my god, Seth!" I screamed from the Slytherin table to Seth at the Gryffindor one. Seth looked up from his food and caught a glimpse of a girl walking behind me.

"Oh my god!" He'd just imprinted. He jumped out of his seat and followed the girl. Her name was something like Katie Bell. I'd seen her at a Quidditch match.

"What was that?!" Bella yelled at me.

"Seth just imprinted on... Katie Bell." I saw Katie and Seth from across the room. Katie just tackled Seth and was kissing him.

"Whatever, where's Harry and Hermione? I want to leave for Hogsmead now." Jacob looked around

"Hey, guys. Have you seen Emmett? I've looked all over for him." Rosalie sat down next to Jasper and all the Slytherin boys sitting close scooted towards her with a dreamy look coming over their faces.

"Nope." We all said in unison.

"Hey," Harry came up. I'd fixed his hair so it was now neat and orderly; that's why I wanted him to come to my room a couple of nights ago.

"Harry!" I jumped up and down in my seat. "Have you been using the gel I gave you?"

"I'd do whatever you wanted me to do." His eyes glazed over. Yeah, that was going to get kind of awkward...

"Edward, Bella, Alice, Jasper, Rose, Jake, Nessie... Where are Seth and Emmett?" Hermione greeted us.

"I can't find Emmett and Seth just imprinted on Katie." Rose said from her side of the table.

"Katie Bell?" She asked sounding astounded. I nodded. "Ahh, her boyfriends not going to like that... So anyway, do you think Emmett'll be okay if we leave without him? I really want to get out of here before the streets get too crowded."

"Sure," Rose was the first to get up. We all followed suit.

"Wait, did you guys drink your potion? It's supposed to be sunny today." Hermione whispered.

"Every day!" I chirped and we left.

**Ron's POV**

_Hogs Head, Hogs Heeeeeeaaaaaad...._ A raspy voice repeated in my head and I snapped straight.

"What?" Hermione looked up.

"My Ronny-Senses are tingling!" I ripped off my cloak and underneath....... READ-HEAD BOY!!!

"Whoa, Ron, where'd you get the tights?" Jasper chuckled.

"I'm not Ron now. I'm RED-HEAD BOY!!!" I ran out of the room towards the Hogs Head Pub. "Is someone in trouble?" I puffed my chest out to look heroic.

The old owner of the pub, the only person in the room, only stopped washing the cup he was washing for a second to look at me, but he went right back to work shaking his head. I heard a whimper coming from the bathroom. I ran to it, and opened up the first stall.

Emmett.

"I'll never watch TV again. I'll throw my laptop away. Just don't show me those pictures again... I'll run away, to South America. And then I'll make friends with penguins... I'll wear space suits; just don't show me the pictures..." He whimpered, rocking back and forth, curled in a ball in the corner of the stall. He didn't even see me.

"Emmett, Emmett, listen to me, its okay." I knelt down next to him and poked his shoulder; it was as hard as rock.

He kept on rocking and moaning. "Why'd I have to look? Why'd I accept? Why did he ask?" He was still oblivious to my presence.

**Renesmee's POV**

"Yeah, that's a little weird." I spoke for the first time since arriving at this bar with the rest of my family.

"When'd you find him?" Rosalie asked Ron.

"Like 15 minutes ago." He was still staring at Emmett.

"Em, where's your laptop?" Dad crouched down next to my uncle. Emmett finally seemed to notice us. He looked at Dad and gaped.

"I burned it!" He yelled.

"Why?" Jacob asked.

"It will never be clean again!" He sobbed.

"Bell, let me see your blackberry." Dad outstretched his hand. "Do you guys have Wi-Fi?" He asked the pub owner.

"Wizard-fixtures? Yeah," The guys replied.

"Whatever..." Dad clicked some buttons. "OMD!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!?!?!" Dad threw moms blackberry in the toilet, then he started whimpering like Emmett.

**A/N: Hey, was it funny? Not? Love it? Hate it? Well, I don't care, as long as you guys comment! **

**Special thanks to FutureBCullen, who won the contest! The reason was because... YOU READY?!?!?!? Cedric Diggory was in Hufflepuff and I am in love with Robert Pattinson, so I thought it'd be awesome to put him in there. Now FutreBCullen gets a preview to every chapter before I post them! Congrats, FutureBCullen!**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	13. Chapter 13: Petrified

**Dumbledore's POV**

"Petrified." Madame Pomfreys verdict was for my two vampire students.

"But they're moving." I challenged.

"You know what?! If you're going to come in here and ask for my opinion, you're just going to have to deal!" She stormed back to her office.

"More menopausal women in this castle than I realized." I muttered as she slammed the door. "Edward?" I shook his arm and he screamed.

"UNCLEAN!!!" He put his face in his arms and sobbed.

"What is?" I pressed.

"AHH!!!!! DON'T LET HIM NEAR ME!!!!" He yelled again and went back to whimpering.

"Emmett?" I walked over to his brother's bed.

"He's so HORRIBLE!" He said quieter than his brother was. There was a knock on the door.

"Mr. Dumbleberry?" Rosalie and Bella stuck their heads in the door.

"Dumbledore and yes?" I corrected them.

"Yes, Dumblefumble." Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"Can we look at them?" Bella asked.

"Huh? Oh, your husbands, yes, I'm sure they need a visit from a loved one." I walked out of the room.

**Bella's POV**

"Edward?" I shook his arm and he looked up at me.

"Why'd he do it?" He wept.

"Who did what?" I put my arm around him and he screamed.

"YOU'RE HIM! YOU'RE THE GUY!!!! DON'T MOLEST ME! I HAVE A WIFE AND DAUGHTER! I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS!!" He sobbed and turned away from me, shielding his buttocks.

"I _am_ your wife." I pleaded.

"No, you're just in disguise! Polyjuice potion, isn't it?" He looked at me from the corner of his eye. "Why'd you cut Bella's hair?"

"It _is _Bella, Edward." I wrapped my arm around him and he seemed less tense. "Do you believe me now?" I kissed his ear.

"Sort of," He murmured and turned to kiss me fully. I looked over at Rose and Emmett; it looked like she snapped _him_ out of it... let's leave it at that.

"Are you ready to g-" I was cut off and then the door flung open.

"Grizzlyboy2712?!" A pale guy with long white fingers stepped into the room.

"AAAAHHH, it's him!!! Don't hurt me!!!" Emmett screamed and Edward cowered behind me.

"Emmett Cullen?! I'm here to get your facts straight on the kids I rape." He walked over to Emmett.

"Please, I have a wife, don't hurt me!" Emmett held Rosalie in front of him as a shield.

"First of all, I like kids with freckles and caramel colored hair. Second of all, I like when kids fuss and fight, because then they cry." Horrible mental pictures clouded my mind and I screamed.

"LEAVE!" A loud, thunderous voice came from the doorway.

It was Dumblegully. He had his wand pointed at Voldemort.

"Old man, I was just telling this boy his facts were wrong, I was just leaving." All of a sudden he disappeared. Edward sighed a sigh of relief in my shoulder.

"Man, I thought he was going to get me." He smiled up at me. "Can we go now?" Edward asked Doopydore.

"Yes, but come back if you start feeling nauseated or dizzy, alright?" He turned to Madame Pomfrey's office and entered.

_"YOU INVITED VOLDEMORT HERE?!?!" _I heard her yell with my vampire hearing; although I'm sure I could've heard even without it.

_"Poppy, I didn't invite him... He came here to molest Emmett Cullen... (The fag,)" _Mr. D replied and I heard him mutter the last part.

_"I don't believe you." _The nurse said and I heard her turn on her heel so she was faced away from him and he re-entered the room.

"She's going through menopause." He explained to us and he left.

**A/N: Yeah, that wasn't that funny, but I say "What the hey? People read it whether it's funny or not!" But I guess if I **_**wasn't **_**funny, I wouldn't have any reviewers, so that must mean I'm doing **_**something **_**right. Again congrats to FutureBCullen, who won the contest a couple chapters back... Oh, and I need funny names to call Dumbledore, because I'm running out of idea's... HELP! JK, but it really would be nice... REVIEW AND COMMENT!!**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	14. Chapter 14: Gay No More, Edward's Random

**Malfoy's POV**

"He's mine!" Crabbe yelled as i walked in the room.

"No, he's mine! Tell him Malfoy!" Goyle begged.

"What are you talking about?" I inquired.

"You're my boyfriend, not Crabbe's." He knelt down on his knee

"Yeah, about that guy's... You see... I was at one of my father's party's... You know the kind where us rich folk live, and well..." I rubbed the back of my neck and thought out my sentence carefully.

"Yes?" Goyle got up slowly, looking weary.

"Father read my diary, and he found out about this summer… And now I'm grounded from any boyfriends…"

"You-- what--? But we spent that vacation on the beach last summer, remember? And everything was perfect?" Crabbe looked like he was going to cry. "Don't you care about me?" He sobbed.

"You know I do, Crabby, but I'm a good child, and I don't disobey my father… plus…" I rubbed the back of my neck "Father'll beat me if he finds anything's up…" I turned away, afraid of the tears that were coming.

"You're sixteen." Goyle grabbed my arm, "You can make mistakes like this. But you don't have to let them collapse in on your future... A future with me?"

"No, Goyle. It is a sin to dishonor your father and mother's wishes. I have to do what I'm told" I ran out of the room and went up to my dorm and cried until I ran dry into my pillow.

**Edward's POV**

*Shudder* wasn't it illegal to be homosexual here? It was in America. Or at least to marry a same-sex partner. I had no idea that Crabbe, Goyle, and Malfoy were having a threesome, type thing... That was just nasty. "Edward? Don't worry; I'll never let Voldemort hurt you..." Bella rubbed the back of my head.

"No, it's not that, but thanks for reminding me." I said sarcastically. Alice saw what I was going to tell Bella at the other side of the room and laughed softly. Professor Flittwick, the midget, looked at her questioningly.

"What is it, then?" Bella rubbed my back.

"Malfoy, you know the guy with the sexy, blond hair? Well he, Crabbe and Goyle were having a threesome, but Malfoy found out about them and now he's grounded, so they 'broke up'" I made air quotations with my fingers.

"How do you know?" She asked. Stupid question, she seemed to realized that and then cleared her throat, "Oh, um, yeah, I guess the mind reader husband thing hasn't really planted itself in my brain yet.., Hee hee." She said embarrassed.

"It's been like fourteen years..." I raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, but you can't read my mind, so I kind of forget sometimes..." She suddenly concentrated on her work.

"Do you want to go hunting tonight? The unicorn is really good." I asked casually.

"But the blood is all silver, and it kind of smells bad." She didn't look up at me.

"Hmm, what about centaurs?" I chuckled at my joke.

"I won't eat anything that can speak human..."

"Well, there's not a very good selection here, and you're going to have to eat _sometime._ Your eyes are pitch black." As I finished, her hand went instinctively to her eyes.

"Really?" she put her face in her hand.

"Do you like the color purple?" I asked her and she looked at me funny.

"What?" She seemed weary.

"It's a simple question: Do-you-think-the-number-27-is-a-good-number?" I repeated.

"You just asked me whether I liked purple or not...?"

"Obviously not, I clearly inquired if you've ever eaten a chocolate bunny rabbit." I shook my head.

"No, you didn't"

"How many times have you burped?"

"What a stupid question, I--"

"Did you ever have a pony ride at your birthday party?"

"My mom was poor, so no."

"Are you ticklish on your feet?"

"I'm a vampire, I'm not ticklish, I--"

"When you had the stomach flu where did you barf?" I raised an eyebrow.

"In the toilet, but why--"

"Have you ever got hit in the face with a fish?"

"I've never even--"

"Do you think angels have people food cake, since we have angel food cake?"

"Am I supposed to answer that?"

"Why do you have golden eyes?"

"I drink animal blood."

"Do you think I have weird toes?"

"I don't know, I've never really looked..."

"Do you think if everybody in the world turned on their AC's, would it change the temperature?"

"Maybe a few degrees higher.."

"Did you know germ-x helps protect you from getting the flu?"

"I did, actually."

"Do you have swine flu?"

"I can't"

"OME! SHE HAS SWINE FLU!!! EVERYBODY GET OUT!!" I raised to the door and the whole class followed.

**A/N: Funny? Not? ROFL? "Ah, she's so stupid"? How do you feel about the story? REVIEW AND COMMENT!!!! Please? I'd be so happy... You should see when I get even ONE review, I like get all excited and start jumping up and down and clapping.... But that could also be because I love Monsters and Red Bulls, and Rockstars... So anyway... REVIEW!!! Pretty please with a cherry on top? With sprinkles and whip cream and chocolate shavings and strawberry syrup? Or if you're a vampire, would you like a Grizzly or a mountain lion? Will you review, so I can tell what you think?**

**eamclvr27**


	15. Chapter 15: Jacob's Gay, Mike Comes

**A/N: This chapter's subject was given to me by FutureBCullen. I wrote it, but she gave me the idea... Hope you like it!**

**Jasper's POV**

"Hee." I looked up at Renesmee, and then back down. "Hee hee." I didn't even bother to raise my head that time. "OMD! HHHHHAAAAAWWWW!!!!!"

"What the HELL is your problem?!" I yelled at her while we were in of Slytherin common room where it was national pink, fluffy robe day.

"He smells bad," She pointed to Jacob.

"Hey, I just got this stuff..." He sniffed himself.

"What's it called, wet-dog?" She laughed at our inside joke. "You'd smell better with some beer on your breath." She took out a bottle of beer from literally nowhere and almost drowned Jacob in it. He choked a little as Renesmee shoved his head down and when he resurfaced, he was a new man.

"Do you know what we should do?" He hiccupped. "Do you?" He giggled like a little girl and then his mood turned to gay. "OMD, Jasper, that robe looks so good on you!" He laughed in that high-pitched voice all gay men have and then whispered in my ear. "But it'd look better off," He chuckled again and yelled, "Oh, I'm so _dirty!" _

"Yes, and now I feel unclean," I inched away from him.

"Hey, gays-- Oh, I mean _guys," _He winked at me and I moved more swiftly to be away from him. "Do you know what we should do? Go frolic in the flowers of course!" He ran out of the room and I gaped at him and Renesmee jumped up and down excitedly.

"Ooh, I have a gay husband!" She ran after him. I walked into the middle of the room and took a deep breath.

"HOMOSEXUAL, OUTSIDE! FROLICkING IN THE DAISIES!!" I sped out of the room and I heard hundreds of footsteps following me.

"This one's for Renesmee... This one's for Bella... Edward, Alice, Rosalie, Emmett... And this special ones for..." He turned around to look at me in the eyes. He blushed and looked down. "Jasper," He sighed and skipped over to me. "Jasper? Do you accept this rose?" He batted his eyelashes and held the flower out to me. By then the whole school was on the grass in there pink fluffy robes and giggling quietly.

"No," I turned and walked to the back of the crowed.

He turned angry and ran over to the bush of roses. "FINE, THEN! I DIDN'T WANT YOU ANYWAY! I WAS ONLY TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL PRETTY! YOU'RE REALLY NOT EVEN _CUTE!!!" _He started pulling roses out of the bush and throwing them on the ground before stomping on them and crying. For some reason, unknown to me, the pack of rabid dogs that prowl the school took offence in it and attacked Jacob. He sat up when they had torn off his robe and ripped his head off his scalp. It was silent around the school for what seemed like hours, and then Jacob got on his haunches and barked. "Woof, roof! Bark!" He ran up to the poor first year that was unfortunate enough to be standing in front, and licked his face.

"Ewww!" He cried and ran back into the castle. Everybody else followed, leaving Jacob outside in the cold.

**Bella's POV**

I paced in front of the castles doors waiting for Edward to come back from his hunting trip. And then the doors opened. I ran up to the person with my arms open until I saw who it was: A now forty-year-old Mike Newton. "Bella Swan?" He asked.

"Cullen." I mumble-corrected him.

"How- Why? - Wow, you're looking good for your age! But what are you doing on this abandoned castle?" He inched closer to me and slowly put his hand behind my back, moving it closer to my butt.

"You even get close to my wife and you die!" Edward stormed in the hall. Mike snapped straight right away.

"It's not like she didn't want it!" He said smugly.

"It's not like she _wanted _it! She's still my wife, even after 14 years! And you're not going to get anywhere near her!" He ran upstairs leaving me alone with Mike again. Edward would pay.

"Looks like we're alone again..." He wagged his eyebrows. And then Renesmee came in.

"Ness! Oh thank god, thank the heavens for my _daughter._ The daughter I had with my _husband, Edward Cullen."_ I put special emphasis on the words I wanted Mike to notice most. Damn, he was slow. He didn't even get my hinting.

"Whatever..." He looked around the hall and back to Renesmee and me.

"Who's this?" Renesmee asked.

"This pig is--" I started but Mike cut me off.

"Mike Newton, your mom's ex-boyfriend. Yeah, she would have married me if your dad wouldn't've gotten her pregnant with you..." He smiled and mumbled. "Mistake."

"I'm sorry, but that's an outright lie. I never dated you; I even turned you down at the prom in junior year. I got pregnant with Renesmee and kept her because I wanted to. And I never would've married you, Renesmee or not." I shook my head at his stupidity.

Emmett, Edward and Jasper yelled "Charge!" out of nowhere and ran into Mike. He was pinned up to the wall and gasping for breath.

"Sweet!" I sang and gave Emmett our secret high-five-hand-shake-thing, then turned to Edward and Jasper. I kissed Edward and hugged Jasper.

"Ouch, can you let me go?!" Mike scraped at Edwards hand that was still on Mikes throat. Instead of removing his hand Edward held on tighter and opened the castle doors. He threw him out about 50 yards and yelled:

"And don't be coming back here!" He turned back to me and we held hands while giggling and jumping up and down like little girls.

**A/N: Wow that was long... I am excited about this one, it's funny in my opinion, but like I said: It's not my concept. Thanks again to FutureBCullen, who has been nice enough to share her amazing ideas with me and letting me use them in my story... and then there's anybody else who would like to give me idea's...? Or you can make your own Twilight/Harry fanfic and put on there... I don't really care. But I would once again like to ask you guys to review, review, review! I get so excited with only one!**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	16. Chapter 16: Emmett meets the twins

**Harry's POV**

Stupid vampires. All of them except for Alice, that is. Look at them chasing their stupid dog friend. "HOLY CRAP! JACOB! DON'T PEE ON THAT!!" Their stupid brother, Emmett, called.

"Woof! Bark!" He peed on our rose bush. I chuckled to myself and leaned back against the castle wall. It was Saturday.

"SHIT!" I heard when I looked away for less than a second. I turned back to see Jacob tanking a wizz on my Firebolt.

"GET THAT EFFING DAWG OFF MY EFFING BROOM!!" I ran over to him but he growled.

"Hey, let me see him." Alice walked over to Jacob and took him by the collar of his shirt. "Come on, Jake, I have an idea." She giggled in her flawless voice and tugged him into the castle. I ran over to care for my broom, I sniffed it.

"Aww, sh-" I started but Bella cut me off.

"Hey, my daughters right here." She growled.

"I was going to say _shoot."_ I rolled my eyes.

"Sure you were." She nodded in sarcasm and walked off.

Renesmee walked over to me and my ruined broom. "Harry?" she asked.

"Yes?"

"Well, I was thinking..." She sighed, looking for the right words. "Well, since your name was Harry..." She chuckled to herself but continued. "Well, are you really hairy or something? Because, I don't think your parents would be so mean as to name you _that, _unless..." She broke off.

"Unless what?"

"Unless you were like morbidly hairy or something." She looked up at me.

"You know what?" I asked.

"What?"

"I'm going to go ask, because you have a point. I mean it's not like they don't have potions or anything for hair here." I got up to go ask Dumbledore. As I walked back in the castle a newly groomed Jacob with bows in his hair barked as I walked by with Alice.

**Edward's POV**

"So anyway, I was just thinking..." Hermione cut off.

"What were you thinking?" Like I didn't know.

"Well, you were always advanced in Muggle schools, but what about here? Do you know more things than most people here?" She was curious.

"No, I mean everything is probably fresher in my brain than most children's here... Considering I just read the textbooks like 3 months before coming here... But I'm sure there are more advanced children here." I smiled. There was a huge scream and a few crashes before Emmett and Fred and George Weasley came into the great hall on brooms.

"Whoo! Ed! Do you see my new broom?!" Emmett circled over my head before throwing a huge magic stink bomb across the room. "Watch how fast it goes!" he sped across the room and back again. "It's called the Nimbus 2003!" He laughed and threw another stink bomb.

"Cullen! Weasley!" Snape came running in the room but tripped over his robe. "I'll get you!" He called, but Emmett, Fred, and George were already out of the room, and across the castle.

"I think we should go." I grabbed Bella's hand and waved goodbye to Hermione. We chased Emmett down at vampire speed. "What are you doing?" I yelled at him, but my anger was marred by laughter.

"Throwing dung bombs and setting off magical fire-crackers." He chuckled and Fred and George came zooming into the room.

"Emmett!" Fred yelled.

"We found Professor McGonagall's underwear!" George held up something that looked like a sheet.

"Do you want to hang it from a gargoyle?" Fred finished for him.

"Hell yeah!" He screeched. "Sweet! Let's go! Bye Eddie! Bella!" He left us rolling on the floor in laughter.

"B- Buh- Bella." I tried to talk through the laughter.

"Edward." She reached for me and I found her hand.

"Mr. Cullen! Miss Masen!" Professor Vector, one of the many teachers who didn't know what we were, called our names that we were going by. "What is so funny?" I just realized that we were in Ravenclaws common room.

"Uh, sorry professor, I didn't... We got lost." I pulled on Bella and we left.

**A/N: Ha, I just got new ideas from someone, and now I'm starting the next chapter**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	17. Chapter 17:Jacob loses, Bella gets drunk

**Renesmee's POV**

The school nurse had managed to get rid of Jacob's rabies, but I got him drunk again, so that made him gay again.

"Damn!" Jacob yelled from his spot on the computer. I went behind him to look at the screen he was on. eBay.

"What is it, Jakey?" I rapped my arms around him and kissed his cheek. He cringed away.

"I'm trying to win a bidding war with this 'kittytamer36'" He growled.

"For what?" I asked.

"This new coral lipstick." An early anniversary present, maybe?

"For what?"

"SO JASPER WILL NOTICE ME!" He screamed at me.

"I am your wife?" I made it sound like a question.

"BUT YOU COULD NEVER COMPETE WITH JAZZY-POO!" He cried and I went to sit in the corner farthest from him. Yeah that hurt a bit. After a few minutes silence except for the clicking of the mouse, Jacob yelled. "DAMN! JASPER WILL NEVER BE ATTRACTEDTO ME NOW!" He ran out of the room crying.

**Jasper's Pov**

*Knock knock* I went to answer the door of my dorm. Whoever it was was in trouble, I'd finally gotten Alice alone. Jacob was standing at my door.

"Oh, Jasper!" He cried and tried to hug me but I stepped out of his way so he grasped thin air. He looked up at me, shocked. "Jazzy-poo?" I stared at him. He turned to see Alice. "Alice?! How long has this been going on?!" He accused.

"About 100 years." I rolled my eyes. "Will you please get out of my room?" I opened the door and pointed at it.

"100 EFFING YEARS?!?! NO WAY!" He tried to lunge at Alice, but she saw it coming and moved out of his way easily.

"Leave, Jacob. Leave my dorm now." I said more forcefully.

"But I got you a present." He pulled a picture out from his cloak and he left. I looked at the picture. It was him sitting with his face in his hand. Scribbled on the bottom was a note:

_My heart will always be yours. Whenever you're ready, I'll be waiting. Jacob._

I scoffed and threw the picture in the fire. Sometimes it was convenient to be living in a 18th century castle.

**Bella's POV**

"Go fish." I sighed to Edward. He picked a card out from the middle deck. "Do you have any... eights?" I asked when it was my turn at Go Fish.

"Go fish." There was a lot of pounding at the door and Edward went to answer it.

"R-PATTZ!!!!" A crowd of screaming fan girls came pouring onto him. I heard crunching as the girls tried to bite him.

"Bella! Help!" He yelled when the only thing I could see was his hand. But that, too, soon got engulfed with girls. One girl didn't tackle my husband, but walked wearily to my side.

"Sorry." Hermione murmured.

"For what?" I asked.

"They kept on bugging me, because they thought I knew what he was, and I did, but I promised I wouldn't tell anybody the truth, so I told them what I thought he was when I first guessed."

"Robert Pattinson?" I asked.

"Yeah, sorry, and now they're kind of... Well you see what they're like." she pointed to the sea of fans... I think I even saw some boys, but I couldn't be sure.

"Hey, do you want to have a drinking contest until Edward resurfaces?" I asked.

"You can't, can you?" She asked.

"Oh, I can, and I'll get drunk, but it just won't be good." I grabbed her arm and pulled her over to my vodka cabinets. "Let's get drunk!" I yelled as I poured a whole bottle of vodka down my throat, Hermione copied.

**A/N: Dun, dun, dun! Bella. Drunk! What will it be like? Hoo, thanks for reviewing, and if you haven't reviewed yet, then I think you just better, because I am a vampire, and I can eat you! Maybe, I will, if you smell good enough.... Probably not though. Thanks again to FutureBCullen who gave me the idea for Edward getting covered in fan girls, and Jacob bidding on eBay. But I came up with the Bella drunk thing, and Jacob going over to Jaspers dorm... Whoo! Review! Please?**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	18. Chapter 18: Hermione likes Ed's socks

**Third Person**

"And then..." Bella slurred to Hermione. "And then, I was sooo thirsty, I ate the cat." she took another swig of vodka.

"Sick, you know I have a cat..." Hermione hiccupped. "His name is Crooked-shanks, or something like that." She burst on the floor laughing for no apparent reason.

"I want to eat Crooked-Shanks... Hey, do you hear that?" Bella burped.

"What?" Hermione whispered.

"How quiet it got." Bella squinted, as if looking for someone.

"Hey! I know this place!" Hermione yelled.

"What is it?"

"Hogwarts." Hermione laughed again. "I go to school here." It was quiet for a few minutes until Hermione suddenly asked. "Who are you?"

"Umm.... hmm, I don't really know, but I think my names something like..." She sipped at her drink before continuing. "Izzmellah." (Izz-mel-ah)

"Izzmella? I like that name... Mines Herm-uan." Hermione stuck her hand out and Bella shook it. "Oh! You have _freezing_ skin!" She shivered.

"Sweet! Since when am I married?" Bella looked at her left hand and at the ring on it. "I always wanted to maaaaarry a horse. I wonder if my husband's a horse... Let's go look for him!" Bella took Hermione's arm and they left looking for Bella's husband.

**Edward's POV**

"I can't breathe!" I yelled as I was still covered in girls.

"Robert Pattinson _never_ breaths!" All the girls said in unison, making it sound like a bunch of killer dolls.

"But!" I choked. "I'm _not _Robert Pattinson! I'm Edward Anthony Masen-Cullen!" I sobbed. "Ouch!" One of the girls bit me.

"Robert Pattinson tastes good!" the one who bit me said in a threatening tone.

A voice, quiet as it was, sounded above all the others. "Husband! Where for art thou husband! I _need_ you!" It was my Bella. I pushed myself up through the girls and followed her voice. "Hey, husband! Let's play a game! It's called 'where are you?' M'kay?!" I was on the staircase above her and I got to her just in time to watch her fall from the moving stares.

"Bella!" I screamed after her.

There was a thump and Bella groaned. "Hey, husband? Are you down here? It's really dark. AAAHHH, a spider!" I heard her try to jump up, but she just fell on the floor laughing. "I like cookies!" She yelled. "Husband? Will you make me cookies when I get out of here?" She laughed again.

"Bella! I'll get you! Just let me find Dumbledork!" I yelled down to her.

I heard a giggle behind me before I felt someone pull on my pants. When I turned around Hermione was leaning against the wall. "I like your socks!" She giggled.

"Hermione, do you know how to get down there?" I pointed downward.

"Yeah,"

"Will you tell me?" I asked.

"If you give me your socks!" She slurred.

I shoved off my shoes and then my socks. I handed them to her. "How do you get down there?" I repeated.

"Jump!" She laughed and ran off.

I sighed and jumped off the staircase. I landed softly and felt arms wrap around my waist. "Bella," I sighed, and kissed her hair.

"Are you my husband?" She asked.

"Yes?" I made it a question.

"Good, now you can make me cookies!" she jumped up and down in excitement.

"What?" I asked but then I smelled her breath. "You're drunk?"

"Nope! I just drank some magic potion, and now I'm in happy land!" she giggled and pointed behind me. 'Look, husband! A boy and a teddy bear!"

I turned around to see Jacob kissing a teddy bear. "You wouldn't reject me? Would you, Landon?" He mumbled, kissing the bear again.

"Jacob Black!" I yelled and he straightened up.

"What-- how-- how long have you been here?" He yelled.

"You didn't hear the loud thump and screams?" I asked astounded.

"I was kind of busy." He said, and then added mentally. _Hint hint, Landon and I want to be alone..._

"Anything you want." I grabbed Bella, who was still babbling about cookies and magical potions, and happy land, and jumped up to the closest stair case.

**A/N: What do you think? Hah! Please Review!**

**Me: Hey, you, have you reviewed my story?**

**You: Nope.**

**Me: Well why not?**

**You: Because you don't deserve to know my opinion...**

**Me: I'm not **_**WORTHY?!**_

**You: Nope.**

**Me: Well screw you.**

**You: you really want to?**

**Me: EWW!! CHILD MOLESTER!!! *Screams and runs away***

**Hah, yup, thats what happens when you don't review my story (Not really) But I really **_**would**_** like it if you reviewed...? Please? Please, I've asked you for almost 20 chapters to review... You know what? I'm making another contest! Whoever can post the most comments first, wins!**

**Ready? Set? REVIEW!!!**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	19. Chapter 19: Oh no, I diint!

**Edward's POV**

"Did you hear?" I heard some boy across the room whisper to their friend.

"'Bout what?" The other boy replied, his mouth full of mashed potatoes.

"We're getting' two new girls tomorrow." He said with a hint of...was it smugness?

"Really?" The other one said with mild interest.

"Yeah, their names are like Hannah and Jordan, or something..." the kid turned his attention to someone else after that.

**Rosalie's POV**

"Ah, do you know the new girls?" Harry asked.

"Nope," I said with my eyes closed.

"Do you know what they are?" He pushed.

"No." I was almost growling; this was the first time I'd've sunbathed in 100 years and he was interrupting it.

"Well, they're like the authors or something..." He turned around.

"Authors of what?" I said, feigning interest.

"This story."

"What story?"

"The one that we're in. J.K. Rowling invented me, and then Stephenie Meyer wrote you guys... But this Hannah girl is writing fanfiction... And then the other one, Jordan, is giving her a whole bunch of idea's... sweet ones if I might add. They have the power to make us do whatever they like, Hannah wrote Emmett getting petrified, and Bella and Hermione getting drunk, and Edward getting covered with fan girls- But that one was Jordan's idea- And she wrote your guys's schedule, and how you have no classes with Alice and Jasper... And she's even writing my dialogue right now...." Harry smiled at me; was that the authors doing, too? Was she making me all paranoid, like I am now? **(YES!!!! That's me)**

Holy crap! Scary! Get out of my head, freak! I hit my head, trying to make her leave, but then I heard a voice: _Ha ha, sucker! I'll _never_ get out of your head, because I'm the writer... Just be happy I'm not team Emmett. _It was a girl's voice, and I knew it wasn't my head.

"What? Who are you? Get out of my head!" I screamed.

"Rose, calm down." Harry said, but I was too busy looking for the voice.

_I'm the author, I just told Harry to tell you all that crap. Jeez, you really _are _a dumb blond. You ever hear of those? Here, I have a good one: What did the blonde do when she missed the 66 bus?_

"What?" I didn't care if people thought I was crazy.

_She took the 33 bus twice, instead. HAH!_

"Well, that isn't funny... That makes complete sense, because 33 times 2 is 66... Yeah, I'd do that..." This girl was stupid, she didn't even know her multiplication facts.

_*Sigh* Rosalie, you are so stupid. You still wouldn't be able to get where you were going..._

"But, you'd get _somewhere_." I laughed at her sheer stupidity.

_Don't call me stupid, because I can have people come over here and call you crazy.... Or ugly. *Laughs evilly*_

"Fine, I'm sorry, oh great voice in my head."

_No, I just need a laugh. Oh guys! Come over here and call Rose ugly for me... Oh, Rosalie! Did you hear that? They complied!_

"Ew! do you see that girl? What is up with her? That's just disgusting! I'm not even sure that that's a girl!" A nerdy boy called.

_Oh, you're so going down, bitch. _I thought to the voice in my head.

_Try, because if I stop writing, you stop going, ya hear? _She laughed a high pitched, evil laugh.

"Like, seriously, that girls needs a serious nose job, it's all flat and gross. Is that a zit?!" the nerd called again.

**A/N: I love Rosalie, so don't get mad for messing with her, 'kay? And, yes, Hannah's me. And Jordan's FutureBCullen, who gave me so many idea's for this. Review! I still have that contest going! Like seriously, press that button! Please? Oh, and FutureBCullen won the review contest... WHOO!**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	20. Chapter 20: We Take Over

**Jacob's POV**

The new girls scared me... I tried to stay away from them, but they always seemed to find me... AHH!! THERE THEY ARE! I hid behind Renesmee as we walked down the hall. "They're right _there_, Nessie!" I whispered.

"Oh, _Jay-kub! _Come out, come out, wherever you are!" Jordan sang.

When I didn't answer Hannah screamed. "I know your hiding behind Renesmee, because I _wrote _you'd do that! It was me!"

I took a deep breath and stepped out, "Hello Hannah, Jordan." I nodded in their direction, but kept on walking down the hall.

Hannah smiled and turned her head to the side in a pondering sort of way. Jordan kinda giggled.

Jordan sighed "Jacob."

"Do you really have a six pack?" Hannah blurted out suddenly

Renesmee winked at her "And _eight _pack." Hannah suddenly had a very dreamy look in her eyes.

"NESSIE! Don't tell them that!" I hissed at her.

"It's okay; I've seen you shirtless a million times, I just wanted to hear you say it." Hannah smirked.

"How could you've…?" I started but Hannah scoffed.

"What with the New Moon movie coming out, who _wouldn't _have already seen you shirtless? HAW!" Hannah smiled evilly. "Anyway, I'm gonna go and find Malfoy. So cute!" She stalked off down the hall and I stared after her.

"New Moon… Movie?" I asked Renesmee and she just shrugged.

**Hannah's POV**

"And then you should make Edward-" Jordan was giving me a list of idea's when Edward came walking down the hall. I held up a silencing hand, and walked up to Edward.

"I can make you do whatever I want you to!" I jumped up and down excitedly.

"Oh?" He stopped for a millisecond to look at me, but then started walking again.

"Yup-a-roo! And then everything will happen for the better of me!" I clapped my hands and Jordan followed. "Ooh, and Jordan, too! We can make you do whatever we like!" I smiled and he stopped.

"You know I can read your mind… I really don't want to be your foot rest." He turned away again and we followed him again.

"Oh, but now you can't!" I said and he stopped dead in his tracks.

"Why can't I read your mind?" He asked.

"Because I'm the writer! You have to do what I want you to. And I _don't _want you to be able to read my mind, so now you can't read either of ours!" I smiled, thinking of the 4 Rockstars I'd drank earlier.

"I have no free will?" He asked.

"Err... Yeah, but we can take it away if we want!" Jordan smiled.

"Great," He muttered and walked away; this time we didn't follow. I took out my blackberry, and started writing.

"Edward got to the end of the hall and started thinking about the two girls he'd left at the other end..." I read aloud. "He thought of how nice everybody thought they were, and how nice it would be to be their friend. He came back to talk to them, and invite them to eat with them at lunch, even though he couldn't eat, they could sit with him... Hannah was a Slytherin, but nobody would mind. Jordan was already in Hufflepuff…" I turned around and started walking the other way when I heard approaching footsteps.

"Hannah! Jordan! Do you want to sit with my family and me at lunch?" He asked and Jordan and I smiled at each other.

**A/N: Hah! I'm in the freakin STORY!! Whoo! And please review? Please, for me? And, just to let you know, I **_**do **_**have other fanfics, they're all Twilight. I wrote Twilight Song Stories, which is songs I picked out and wrote Twilight story's that go along with them. And "The Possible End" It's about trackers who track the Cullens 75 years after Breaking Dawn... It's not humor, but I like it. And then I'd like to thank all the reviewers... Please review? I **_**LOVE**_** reviews...**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	21. Chapter 21: TV Show Pitch

**Jordan's POV**

Alice. Alice. Alice. Alice. OME I'M SITTING NEXT TO ALICE FREAKING CULLEN!

"Hannah, can you please make Jordan's thoughts unhearable to me?" Edward asked from my other side.

Hannah took out her laptop and started typing away. Edward sighed in relief and Jacob's, who was sitting at the far end of the table, because he smelled so bad, nose began to grow to an abnormally large size.

"Hannah!" He whined.

"Shut it, mutt, you're the one who was lying!" She hissed back at him and then turned her attention back to Edward. "So, Edward, I've always wondered... Does your hair grow? Because hair is just like dead skin cells, right? And don't you still make those...?" She droned on and on, so I looked back to Alice.

I started coming up with a plan to jump on her, and she covered her face. "Please don't." She flinched.

"HAW! I just wanted to see what would happen if I planned that!" I laughed.

"Whatever, I need to go watch the Mentalist, it's on tonight, and this one looks awesome... Edward, you come too, because if I come up with more questions I don't want to forget." Hannah pulled on his ear and he followed.

"What's the mentalist?" Rosalie asked.

"A super freaky-awesome crime show that has this freaky smart guy who always figures out puzzles and stuff, and he's super good at pin ball." Emmett jumped up and down and chased after Hannah and Edward, "Hey guys! I want to watch, too!"

"Hey, Alice, have you ever thought about a job in law enforcement? Like CSI stuff...?" I asked. "You'd be really good at it, you know! Like, 'cause you're psychic. And then Edward could be one too, because he'd know what everybody was thinking, so people couldn't lie to him... OME! YOU GUYS COULD BE A FREAKING CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR SHOW! CAN YOU SEE IT?"

Cut to...

_**The middle of the forest where and old man lays dead, by a gunshot to the head and purple ribbons spread around him on the ground.**_

_**"Oh my gawsheness, Edward, old man Smithers was killed by someone... Who do ya think did it?" Alice said in her black knee-high boots with her CSI uniform, that she Alice-ified.**_

_**"I hear thoughts coming from behind those trees... Holy jeez! They have guns!" And just then a pack of gun-carrying men stepped out and tried to shoot Alice and Edward, but the bullets just ricocheted off of them and blasted back to the shooters... All but one. "And who might you be, mister?" Edward asked keeping his hand on his left hip where his gun lay; even though he didn't need it.**_

_**"I'm Sirius Black." He spat.**_

_**"Really, because my son-in-law's last name is Black... Do you know Billy Black? He lives down at La Push beach in Washington--" Edward started.**_

_**"Edward, this is a show pitch Jordan's showing to **_**me**_**, and you're not going to ruin it for me. Now continue to interrogate this guy." Alice pushed.**_

_**"Sorry.... Did you kill Gary Smithers?" Edward continued.**_

_**"Yeah, and I'd do it again if I had the chance." Sirius growled.**_

_**"Well I guess that wraps that mystery up." Alice sighed.**_

_***Getting blurry, **__before returning to the present.*_

"Did you see it?" I jumped up and down excitedly, clapping my hands.

"Yes, where's Hannah's dorm? I have to go tell Edward!" Alice got excited, like me and then ran off without waiting for me to answer.

"Hey, Alice! Wait up! I want to come to!" I screamed and yelled after her.

**Emmett's POV**

"AHHH!!! Is that really Zachariah?!" I screamed. **(Taken from the actual TV show.)**

"I don't know Emmett, watch!" Hannah screamed over me than made "Shush" sound and pointing at the TV.

_"Did you kill Justin?" _The Mentalist asked as the arm pulled on the boys hand.

_"Yes!" _He screamed and the log started to push up, and out came the detective.

_"All right, come with me." _He grabbed his arm.

_"But I was joking."_ The boy insisted.

"Phew... I was afraid that actually was the axe murderer." I sighed and Hannah grimaced.

"It's not even a scary--" *knock knock* Hannah went to open the door. I hid under the pillow.

"It's Zachariah! Hannah, don't answer it!!!!" I screamed but Alice was already in the doorway, speaking a mile a minute to Edward.

"..." She droned, but Edward put up a silencing hand.

"No."

"EDWARD?!?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Please???" She poked her middle lip out.

"But I said yes!" Jordan piped up.

"Whatever, Alice. Fine." Edward crossed his arms and stalked out of the room.

**A/N: Ha ha ha ha! HAW! A TV show! I love it! But maybe you guys could email me some murder investigation idea's for The Edward and Alice detecives? ooh! I just thought of another contest! *Claps hands excitedly* Whoever can make up the awesomest name for the TV show wins! I'll negotiate your prize with you after you win, 'kay? Whoo! I'm exctied! Once again, please review! Wee!**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	22. Chapter 22: Jordan's Chapter

**Hannah's POV**

"Hey Hannah" Jordan bounced down to the Great Hall. She looked like she was about to pass out from excitement.

"Oh, hey Jordan! Ready to make certain people *cough*JACOB*cough* make complete idiots of themselves?" I tried to make Jacob stand out between my 'coughs.'

"Sure! But first, I wanna go home and get my laptop. Then, we can do DOUBLE the torture!" Now she HONESTLY looked like she was gonna crack. Her dirty-blonde hair was pulled into a messy bun and her robes were looked like they were hurriedly put on.

"Ok, I'll be in the common room when you get back!" And with that, she spun and was gone.

**Jordan's POV**

As soon as I got home, I hurriedly walked my dog and then ran to get my laptop and my Twilight books. I also 'borrowed' my brother's Harry Potter books. "Just for back-up and help," I murmured aloud. Then I was back at Hogwarts. I ran to Hannah's side and started hopping up and down like a maniac.

"Stop jumping and eat," Hannah giggled. But I couldn't. Then Hannah was jumping with me. But it wasn't long before I passed out from hyperness. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately. But I was only out for about a minute. Then, Hannah and I ran to out Hufflepuff dorm and started sharing ideas.

"Oh!" I squealed. "Let's make Jacob... HAVE A WEDGIE AND THEN HIS BUTT  
ITCHES SO HE SCRATCHES IT IN THE FRONT OF THE GREAT HALL DURING DINNER!" I  
was so excited that I was yelling. Boy, making Jacob have pain was FUN!

**Hannah's POV **

Yeesh! Jordan was HYPER! But I LOVED her idea of Jacob being embarrassed in front of everyone so I was just as hyper as her. "Oh!" I squealed with excitement. "JACOB CAN START A FOOD FIGHT AND EVERYONE CAN AIM THE FOOD AT HIM! AND SO HE CAN GET COVERED IN RED BULL AND MACARONI AND MUSTARD AND BOLOGNA! FUN!!!" Jordan did this sort of crazy, mental laugh which I took as an agreement. We were both typing like maniacs.

**Jacob's POV**

"Ok, why do I get the feeling that the new girls are out to get me?" Jasper didn't answer. I had no idea. For some reason, he tried to stay away from me. It was one of those rare moments when he was in the same room as me and he was STILL as far away as possible. Finally I cracked. "WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU NOT LIKE ME?!" Jasper didn't answer again but he must have sensed my anger or something because he immediately held up his hand to keep me silent. Felt a wave of calm coming over me. Then he answered.

"Well, don't you remember?"

"No! That's why I asked!" Duh! Didn't he know that?

"You've been drunk a lot lately and well... Sort of in LOVE with me..."

"WHAT!! YOU'RE KIDDING! I'M NOT GAY!" And then I had a feeling that I would soon say otherwise.

**Jordan's POV**

"Hey Hannah, did you hear that?" My mind was about to explode, I was coming up with so many ideas to torture Jacob with. I was sure Hannah's was about the same. We were both holding our heads like we had headaches.

"Ya!! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Together we yelled, "JACOB IS GOING DOWN!" Then we were both typing.

When Hannah was done, she came over with her laptop to see what I had written."That's EXACTLY what I was thinking!" And then we were both on the ground laughing.

**A/N: Whoo! I didn't write this chapter, nor did I come up with the idea! This was all FutureBCullen aka Jordan! Ooh! I just thought of something! Haw! If you want to be put in the story, then pm or review, and tell me your name, so I can put you in! OOH! This is going to be fun! And, and, and I still need idea's for Edward and Alice's TV show! Yeah, that's still going! Come on guys! REVIEW!!! Seriously, it's been like 23 chapters and I've only gotten like 50 some reviews (Most of which were written by granger-percabeth-cullen... Thanks to her again!) Please guys? Will you right reviews? PLEASE?!?!? I know people are reading this, so I know when you don't review... ahem. *taps foot impatiently* PLEASE *gets on knees and begs* This skit is only meant for the people who haven't reviewed.**

**Me: Have you reviewed **_**yet?**_

**You: Nope!**

**Me: I'm getting kind of mad and hurt... *taps foot***

**You: Sooooo?**

**Me: So I think I just might suck you blood, seeing as I'm a vampire... Not the sparkly kind, but I am a vampire.**

**You: But I don't taste good...**

**Me: you're right... I guess I wouldn't want any part of you**_** in**_** me... Yuck *makes a face***

**You: What's that supposed to mean?!**

**Me: Oh, I think you know **_**exactly **_**what I mean... *nods head smugly***

**You:You bitch! *starts chasing me***

**Me: Well, I see you haven't gotten over your rapist ways! SCREAM!!!! HELP! THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	23. Chapter 23: Degree Deoderant

**A/N: Yes we are still going to write in Edward and Alice's TV show, but I still need a name for the show... Luckily, I'm a very impatient person, and very obsessive, so you don't have to wait until I find a name for me to post. But the TV show part is going to have to wait! Bear with me, please!**

**Jasper's POV**

"Jacob needs to go to rehab." Bella said finally as we watched him try to get through the glass door to get to me; he was drunk yet again.

_"Jasper! Come on, baby! Just let me off the balcony! It's really cold! Maybe you cold warm me?" _Jacob banged on the door with tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Doesn't he realize that you're colder than the outside?" Alice whispered. I came up with an idea. I waited until I was sure Jacob was looking and I kissed Alice hard. I kept on kissing her when Jacob banged harder on the door.

_"Jazzy-poo! Why are you doing this to me?!" _*Bang* _"I'm going to kill you, bitch! Get off of my effing man! When Jazzy-poo lets me in, you're going to die! And painfully! OMD, DON'T DO THAT TO HIM! YOU'RE GOING TO HURT HIM! HIS BONES AREN'T MEANT TO GO THAT WAY! GET YOU'RE NASTY HANDS OFF OF JASPER-WASPER! WHAT THE HELL?! AHH! JASPER! HOW DO YOU DO THAT?! NO! DON'T KISS HER, I'm THE ONE YOU WANT! SHE'S JUST A WHORE!" _He continued to insult my wife while I was only minimally aware that the others had left the room, and that minutes were turning into hours, and Jacob finally passed out.

"Yes!" I stood up in victory and left the room.

**Renesmee's POV**

"He needs to go to rehab for a long time." Jasper finally told me.

"What?! NO! He doesn't need to! Jake" I pleaded for my husband.

"Nessie..." He shook his head and sighed. "I just don't think I'm _not _an alcoholic. I've been drinking a lot..." He sat down on out bed and put his head in his hands in shame.

I put my arm around him and looked up at Jasper. "For how long?"

"Until he's alcohol broken." He shook his head.

Mom cut in. "Well why don't we just send him there for the rest of the year? It will be a lot less of a hassle...." **(Authors note: Sorry if I'm offending any Jacob lovers out there. But I just like messing with Jacob... Not Because I hate him, though.) **

Dad came running in with deodorant in his hands. "Nessie! Smell this!" I did as I was told and all of a sudden I was up on a roof of a skyscraper. Dad poofed up next to me. "Nine out of ten dentists like 'Degree' Deodorant better than the leading 'Old Spice' Brand!" He pulled a shopping cart from out of nowhere and handed me another one. "Take this, and hold on." He pushed me off and he followed. We ended up on a highway. I was holding onto the cart for dear life. "Ness! Go in between those two semi's!" He screamed and I did. He was right behind me.

"YEAH!! THIS IS SO COOL, RIGHT, NESS???" He yelled over to me

"WHERE ARE WE GOING?!" I screeched.

"Back to the grocery store!" He yelled and just like that we were in a Wall-Mart, in the deodorant aisle. "Ness, wasn't that fun?" He asked, excited. "Let's do it again, eh, kid?"

"Dad, we have to go say goodbye to Jake; he's going to rehab." I put my hand on his shoulder and he sighed and frustration.

"But I don't _like _him." He groaned. "I wonder what happens when you smell 'Old Spice'..." He mused, reaching for a stick.

"Dad! Don't-" He was already gone. A few minutes later he poofed back.

"Damn, all I got was LL Cool J sayin he was a nerd... I'm sticking with 'Degree'." He put back the Old Spice stick and grabbed a Degree one. "Come on guys, let's check out." He waived me to follow him.

Back at the castle Jacob was already gone.

**A/N: Sorry if you've never seen the deodorant commercials, but if you haven't look for the vids on YouTube, 'kay? And here's another skit for all you non-reviewers.**

**Me: So--**

**You: I HAVEN'T REVIEWED YET, AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I EVER WILL!**

**Me: *tear rolling down my face* Well, fine then, I'm kind of hurt... *turns away slowly***

**You: Yeah, that's right, bitch, you better run.**

**Me: *Snap around so fast, you don't even know what I'm doing before I turn green and muscley* YOU MAKE HANNAH **_**MAD**_** *chases you down and sits on you before turning normal again.* Do you have anything to say to me? *Bats eyelashes sweetly.***

**You: I'll review every chapter for every story you've ever written! *you whine, scared***

**Me: Good, now run along doggie, and I want to see some reviews!**

**PLEASE REVIEW! OR I WILL TURN INTO THE HANNAHMALFOY-HULK AND SIT ON YOU UNTIL YOU REVIEW.**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	24. Chapter 24: Cereal Rabbit MURDERS

**Ron's POV**

Ooo, look at Hermione. She's getting some massively fine ta-ta's if I do say so myself. Edward snorted and then whispered something to Hermione. She gaped at me. Hmm, I must've missed something...

Hannah came prancing over to Edwards chair while pulling a girl by the ear. "Hey Edward, did you get it?" She asked. Probably some story idea or something.

"Get what? Who's that?" He asked.

"It comes in later in the chapter... Her names Elisabeth, but you need to forget I told you that, 'Kay?" She turned just in time to see Jordan waltz in.

"Haw! Hannah, he doesn't get that it was you!" Jordan grabbed a stitch in her side.

"Wait you made him...?" Edward looked at me briefly before looking back to Hannah and Jordan.

"YAW! And you were supposed to _look..._I must've not written it clearly enough..." She took out her laptop and checked it. "Yeah, I could've used better wording..." She furrowed her eyebrows and closed her laptop. She left mumbling to herself.

"Ron, come here." Edward beckoned me with his finger.

I got up and walked over to him. "Yeah?"

"Well, I was just thinking that you and Hermione could go do something together... Like a date... I've seen the way you look at her; just ask her out, why don't ya?" He walked away, leaving me and Hermione alone.

"Hey, Hermione?" I stepped closer to her.

**Emmett's POV**

"Hey, Rose?!" I whined while I sat on the grass in front of the school.

"Yes, Em." She trotted over to me and rolled her eyes.

"Can you get me a bowl of Trix?" I batted my eyelashes at her. And she sighed, but ran off to get me my cereal.

Rose came back after a few minutes. "Here you go Emme --" She was cut off by something coming out of the ground.

It was Trix rabbit. "MY. CEREAL." He took a step closer, but three kids shot out of the ground.

"Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids!" Then they started this ninja-type fight thing.

"You've kept me away from the freaking cereal for over 50 years! I want some NOW!!!!" The rabbit screamed before stabbing one of the kids with a machete. The other kids started to back off.

"Whoa, man, that kind of crossed the line." One of the kids said, turning to run.

"No, I just got out of prison, and you're not going to keep the cereal away from me _any _longer." his eye twitched.

"And they let you out?!" The kid who was tending to the stabbed kids wound shrieked.

Edward came over and put a calming hand on the rabbits shoulder. "Don't you think this is getting a little obsessive? I mean, like seriously, have you ever considered taking up yoga, or sewing, or alcohol, or drugs, or quilting, or knitting? Cereal isn't the world, you know." Edward winked and the rabbit stared up at him angrily while Hannah came trotting over, dragging a girl by the collar of her shirt.

"EDWARD! EMMETT! ROSE! HEY, GUY'S THIS IS VICTORIA-" Edward hissed "ELISABETH! HER NAME IS VICTORIA ELISABETH, BUT SHE LIKES TO GO BY LIZZY!" When she got over to us she put her hands on her knees and panted. "Woo, that was a run, okay, so anyway, she said she has a coven and she and her coven likes this story, and she said she tastes good, but I haven't tried her..." She caught a glance of the Trix Rabbit. "Hey, what's the cereal bunny doing here?" She pointed to him.

He sighed in exasperation. "I have a _name_." He rolled his eyes.

"Sorry, Trix bunny, what are you doing here?"

"My name is Laurence, and I'm here for--"

Edward cut him off. "Wait, are you saying you didn't write this?" He gestured to the rabbit.

"No," She shook her head and took out her cell phone. It ringed a couple of times before the receiver answered.

_"Hello? Hannah?"_ I heard it with my vampire hearing.

"Yeah, hey, Jordan... Did you make the Trix Rabbit kill a kid?" Hannah's eyes bulged out.

_"Ya- no. Why? Did he kill a kid? Ooo, sweet, why didn't I think of that? Damn." _I heard the real disappointment in her voice.

Hannah took a deep breath and ran a hand through her wavy bronze hair. "Yeah, but, Jordan. somebody stole our story." She said in a serious voice.

_"Oh"_

**A/N: OOOO! A mystery! if you want to be the person who stoleded the story, then ask, 'kay? If I get more than one I'll just pick it at random... But, don't put your "Application" on a review, 'kay? It's gonna be a cool Whodunit type thing!!!**

**Me: Still a non-reviewer? *lets out a low growl***

**You: Err... No?**

**Me: YOU LIE!**

**You: Okay, sorry I was just going to do it! I swear! *Holds up hands in defense***

**Me: I've asked you time and time again! And still! You disobey me! *raises wand***

**You: What are you going to do with that?**

**Me: Guess!**

**You: Adava Kadavra?**

**Me: The killing curse? No, I was just going to do this *shoots ground and a massive pool filled with some green liquid appears***

**You: EWW, is that boogers?**

**Me: YUP! *pushes you in and runs away laughing***

**Once again, that was only for no reviews... If you don't review, then I'll push you in a pool of boogers, it's as simple as that! REVIEW!**

**HannahMalfoy27**


	25. CRISIS: PLEASE READ AND FORGIVE ME

**Sooooo sorry it's taking so long, this editting thing.**

**But MAJOR crisis.**

**I was in the proccess, (quite far along) of fixing all the chapters in such ways that I wanted them, and then my computer crashed and I lost EVERYTHING. Even Microsoft word, which sucks, because now I have to write on WordPad with no spell-check until I reinstall said program. So please be patient, I know most of you have lost interest in the story LONG before now, but I beg your forgiveness, and request more time.**

**I am afraid to say that most of the details and chapters won't be replaced after such a gigantic loss.**

**If you remember anything - anything at all! - about the story past this point, I BEG OF YOU to tell me, because I have no idea what happens next, and I'm sure the plot will change dramatically, but perhaps I can at least get on the right track.**

**And - to the new readers that just stumbled across this mess of a story - please be patient as none of this applies or matters to you, the process will speed up now, and I'll be posting real story chapters shortly.**

**I love you if you love me,**

**HannahJane27**


	26. Chapter 25: The Cullen Realization

_**James Earl Jones over-voice: **__Previously on The Cullen's Hogwart Invite:_

_"With the New Moon movie coming out, who WOULDN'T have already seen you shirtles? HAW!" Hannah laughed evilly._

_"Did you kill Justin?" The Mentalist asked as the arm pulled on the boys hand._

_"... HAVE A WEDGIE AND THEN IT ITCHES SO HE SCRATCHES IT IN FRONT OF THE GREAT HALL DURING DINNER!"_

_Hannah took a deep breath and ran a hand through her wavy bronze hair. "Yeah., but, Jordan, somebody stole our story."_

***DRAMATIC MUSIC BEFORE CUTTING TO THEME SONG (Which, funnily enough, is the same as **_**Gilmore Girls...)***_

**Third Person**

The bunch huddled around a fire in an empty classroom, (Hannah having trapped George Weasley and was now sitting on his left arm, preventing him from escaping while she threw reproachful looks at Fred, whom she had stuffed in a small cat carrier) considering the next plan of action. So far all of them drew blanks. Finally Hannah slapped her knees and stood up, stomping her foot on George's arm so he couldn't try anything funny. "Well, sirs, I've come across a stroke of genius." She announced triumphantly.

"You know who stole the story and how to retrieve it?" Bailey shreiked eagerly, standing up (clasping firm fingers around her own prisoner's wrist - Cedric Diggory, incidentally)

"Even better! I've had a realization! Very simple, really, obvious beyond belief, but a realization nonetheless." She bent down and pulled a protesting George to his feet by the forearm.

"You've realized we are walking around Hogwarts in the winter without any winter-wear? ME TOO!" Bailey exclaimed enthusiastically, jumping up and down, clapping.

"No... But that's a fair point. No, I only meant that we've been keeping the wrong company. These 'vampires' (not likely) are complete cardboard cut-outs of literary characters! These two-" She shoved an accusing finger in Bella and Edward's direction "- they have no bases for any form of relationship! From what I gather it's based entirely on smells, looks, and sex! And those two! - " She gestured vigorously to Rosalie and Emmett "- The only time they talk about each other or have any form of contact is referring supposed violent sex! And Alice and Jasper! HAW! Don't get me started! They're just kiss-asses, aren't they? The only reason Bella's remotely fond of either of you is because you worship the freakin' ground she walks on! Pathetic. And Mister Black and his hybrid mistress! Gag! You're just pawns that make the feeble plot remotely tolerant. And Seth, you're just a mix of it all, aren't you?" Her face was a positively horrifying shade of puce, for which Harry was sure would make Uncle Vernon jealous. "Don't talk to me!"

Bailey started to sob, "Hannah don't be like this! It's just the theif! He's making you act like this! Be rational! You're still you, Hannah! You're still -"

"GET OFF ME! I'm being perfectly reasonable, I know what I'm talking about, to hell with the thief! The only reason he stole it is because of this vampire lot!" She hooked a finger in George's belt loop, tugging him along, and picked up the cat carrier holding Fred. Harry, Ron and Hermione had already left the room, obviously in complete agreement. When she made it to the door she turned back around to face them, but staring directly at Bailey. "This is it: Us or them."

"Bailey glanced between the two for quite a while, but sighed in defeat. "C'mon Cedric, we're have to go." And she hand-cuffed herself to the Hufflepuff and trudged to the door left open by the irate Hannah and her Gryffindor red-heads.

**Fred's POV**

"So, Hannah, what's got you so mad at me?" I ventured to ask from my cat carrier doubling as an Ottoman for Hannah.

"George loses an ear, and you die, and I HATE THAT. Grr." I couldn't see her face, but I could imagine her eyelid twitching.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN GEORGE LOSES AN EAR?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN FRED DIES?"

George and I burst out together.

"In the seventh Harry Potter book, imbeciles. I would know: I've read it four times. I'm still mad at you, you know. Why would you do that to George? It just makes me so ANGRY!" She seemed straining to keep her voice steady, but failed miserably; she didn't seem like someone with the ability to keep her temper in check much.

"Snape curses George's ear off with Sectemsempra, and Fred is killed in an explosion caused by Agust- Agustus - Agustus Rook- AAAAH! Oh Fred, it makes me cry every time I think about it!" And, from what I could hear on the ground, began sobbing. Eventually she knelt down on the ground and unlocked the cat-carrier before crawling over to the darkest corner of the room.

"George, mate, your ear." I smiled at my brother, pulling on his right ear, and pretended to try and pull it off which earned a glare. "Might as well get tried for a dragon as an egg, eh, George? Blimey, an ear and a brother in one year." I grinned mischievously and stretched; it really was cramped in that small carrier.

Hermione slid into the room via the secret door with a pile of books in her hand and a roll of parchment. "Well, we really should start trying to find the theif, shouldn't we? I've constructed a list of all the people with grudges against everyone here, and -"

I didn't see Hannah return, but she spoke from behind me. "No, Hermione, this is where it ends. I can't be here anymore, I can't have anything to do with the story, or it will make things worse. You're on your own if you want to stop him. I'm sorry. Come on, you lot." She grabbed her friends by the arms and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

**Author's Note: YAAAAY! A new chapter! This is so exciting; it's Three fifteen in the morning, and I just finished (After bawling my eyes out over the Fred Weasley Wikipedia page,) yet I'm still energetic and totally excited to post so I'm gonna - *head lolls off to the side and I start snoring softly* JUST KIDDING! I'M AWAKE! I HAD STAR BUCKS A FEW HOURS AGO. HAW! Hope you like it, it's more dark than previous chapters, but that was neccisary to remove myself and other non-canon characters from the story. **

**Me: Reviewed yet, mongrel?**

**You: Ah...**

**Me: Ahem.**

**You: Hannah! Please forgive me, or merciful one! PLEASE! *Drops to your knees. hands clasped* Give me a chance!**

**Me: *Stares pitilessly at you for a while before crumbling to the ground* I've asked you! *sobs* I've told you, I've threatened you, and all I really want is for one small review! I don't care what it says! It could say I'd make JK Rowling roll over in her grave if she were dead *sob* Or that I'm a despicable person, or that you slept with my mother and she's fat (I will kill you if you've slept with her, mind.) BUT ALL I WANT IS A REVIEW!**

**You: Aw, Hannah, don't - don't cry, it's okay, please, I'll review, I promise...**

**Me: *Looks up with puffy eyes and hair sticking to my cheeks* Really?**

**You: Yeah.**

**Me: Oh, non-reviewer! *Leans in for a hug, and smiling mischievously behind your back***

**Loves forever,**

**HannahJane27**

**PS: Fred's comment about me lacking the ability to control my anger, it really isn't true, 'kay? I'm a nice guy! Well, girl, but the phrase doesn't work as well, does it?**


	27. Chapter 26: Seamus' accent 'n viral vids

**Third Person:**

"Well sir," Seamus sighed.

"Well sir," Hermione repeated.

"That's not funny, Hermione, don't copy me."

"That's not funny, Seamus, don't copy me."

"Seriously, don't."

"Seriously, don't."

Seamus paused for a few moments, looked down at his shoes, and then stood up really fast – "HERMIONE EATS DUNG –"

"SEAMUS EATS DUNG!"

"Why are you copying me?"

"Why are you in this chapter?"

Seamus gave a sad sigh. "I don't know…" He whimpered before slouching out of the room.

"Oh thank God!" Harry exclaimed when the door shut behind Seamus. "I hate that kid!"

"Totally, mate. What's up with his accent?" Ron said, taking his fingers out of his ears.

"I don't know! But it's about the most annoying thing I've ever heard! It's even more creepy than our British accents!" Hermione laughed.

"I don't think British accents are creep—" A house elf who had been polishing Harry's shoes began.

"WELL NO ONE ASKED YOU!" Harry yelled as he threw a brick at the house elf's head. "GET BACK TO POLISHING MY LOFER'S, BOY, OR I'M THROWING YOU IN THE SLYTHERIN QUIDDITCH TEAM'S HAMPER!"

"Yes, Yes, m'lord." The elf said hurriedly.

"Now, Harry –"

"Shut up, Hermione, just SHUT UP about the damn SPEW, aight? Nobody freaking CARES about house elves! THEY'RE VERMIN!"

"No, Harry, I only wanted to ask if you'd seen my nail polish. I could have sworn I left it by the chair you're sitting in…"

"Hermione, do I look like I wear nail polish? Do I look like I care where yours is?" Harry snapped in response, but he still ever so sneakily slipped his gleaming red nailed hands under his bottom.

_**Earlier this Week…**_

Harry was sitting in front of his video camera, sobbing in anger. "Why must we hate when we can truly just love each other? Why do I have to see a FOX news report on emo scene kids, and we're all just being beat up!" He took his face out of his hands to reveal his face shining red from tears. His mascara and eyeliner were smeared, and his hands, the nails painted red, gleamed as he brushed his annoyingly-too-straight bangs from his eyes. Twice. He readjusted the daisy behind his ear before going on: "Why are we hated for being what we are? We do have sad moments, we ARE human! You guys are doing all these bad things to hate us, or wanting to kill us, and you just need to STOP! It's not f***ing great, it's not COOL, and if my life wasn't so violent, it would be better! GAWSH!" He screamed into his pillow and turned off the camera before stripping down to his underwear, beat his bed with both fists and, for some unknown reason, grabbed his TV remote and attempted to shove it up his bum.

_**Present…**_

"Oh, well then, I guess I must've left it somewhere else…" Hermione said, getting up to go look for it somewhere else.

As soon as she was out of the room, Harry took out his iPhone and checked his YouTube account. _508 views… _Well that's 12 more than this morning! Harry smiled contentedly to himself.

**Author's Note: Hey! I know I haven't updated in a while, but here you are! I hope you like it, though you kinda have to watch a lot of viral videos to get this one… Get on YouTube and search for "Canadian emo girl speaks out for emo and scene kids (crybaby)" and "Greatest Freak Out Ever (ORIGNIAL VIDEO)" **

**HANNAHHANNAHHANNAH**

**Me: *still hugging non-reviewer, sneaks hand into non-reviewer's pocket, takes out cell phone* NO TEXTING UNTIL I GET A REVIEW, FATTY!**

**You: Huh? I –**

**Me: YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT BACK UNTIL YOU REVIEW EVERY CHAPTER! **

**You: C'mon, man, give it back, my mom likes me to check in every hour and –**

**Me: NO! MINE!**

**HANNAHHANNAHHANNAH**

**Well, I love you guys! REVIEW!**

**HannahSkywalker27**


	28. Chapter 27: Will Edward pass Potions?

**Edward's POV: **

"I love you for more than your smell…" Bella raised an eyebrow and then looked down at her hands. "I think… I mean, you're really hot… You love me… I mean, you're really, really hot… You're protective… But COME ON! You're freakin' hot!" Bella put her face in her hands and blew out of her mouth, which made a sort of farting sound which made Jasper giggle like a girl.

We were in the library, and Madame Pince was making it perfectly plain that every student ever to step foot in the library should die a very painful, gruesome, and unnecessary death that very instant.

"It's alright, Bella, I love you." I said, patting her on the head.

She looked up at the ceiling. "Edward, look! A bug in the light fixture! I'm going to get it." She started to get up but I took her by the collar of her shirt so she coughed.

"DON'T LEAVE ME!"

"Alright, you weirdo." She sat back down and _humph_ed.

"I love you, Bella Marie Swan-Cullen. You are the love of my life, the very breath in my nostrils, without you I would kill myself in an instant, I would climb to the tallest room in the tallest tower and jump, I would purposefully fall into a boiling lava pit and –"

"SHUT UP! We get it! You're a pussy!" Someone at another table screamed. Unfortunately, that was the last thing they ever did, as Madame Pince reigned down at that moment with a chainsaw and chopped their head off, from which point she took out a can of hair spray and a lighter so as to make a torch, and burnt the body.

"No talking in the library." She whispered, breathing heavily, and then she spat on the ashes.

As she walked away, I turned back to my work.

_**1. What uses does Dr. Ubbly's Oblivious Unction have in matters of erasing welts?**_

Well that one was easy, I began to write…

_Welt is a derivative of "welp" which is Greek for "yelp" meaning to cry out sharply. In the matter of erasing "welts" the one to receive the potion would have to be yelping for quite some time. Dr. Ubbly's Oblivious Unction, therefore, must make one forget to 'welt'._

Alright, question one is done (thanks to my trusty dictionary, which so graciously provided the word "the"… It also provided "graciously" and "provided"), now for number two.

_**2. The Deflating Draught is the antidote to which potion? Explain.**_

Pff, what am I? A first year? Come on, you can do better than that!:

_It is the antidote to a very complicated poison called "Alphabetizing Ink". This is obvious due to the 'F' in 'Deflating'. Deflating is never spelled with a 'ph' so it would make it easier to alphabetize. Since the Deflating draught is an antidote to Alphabetizing Ink, the user would obviously be opposed to organization (for more information, see 'The Deadly ALSKDJFOASIUFJA Poison') and would make the Draught necessary._

Whoa! Those hard ones just sneak up on you! I almost missed it. Kind of like when you're taking a math test, and you're getting all the three digit multiplication questions right, and then you come across a two digit one, and you totally BOMB it, bringing your impressive D down to an F in Special Ed Math 1. Except in this case, I got it right.

_**3. What are the effects of wartcap powder? For extra credit, tell how to remove the symptoms.**_

Okay, now they're just messing with me, right?:

_The effects of wartcap powder are clear in the name. The 'wart' part is obvious, what's not so apparent is the 'cap' part. The word suggests a snow cap on a mountain top. Therefore, the powder would make a wart as big as a mountain appear on the exposed epidermis. To remove the bone-crushing wart, one would have to employ the help of a skilled mountaineer to climb the top of the mountain-wart and file it down to its original state with a few thousand nail filers. _

Though I would still say the homework sheet was disgustingly below my level, I have to admit that the questions did get progressively harder. I even considered opening my book at one point! Or even buying one for that matter, but then I realized that it was a trick question, and that the real antidote for Veritaserum was not a potion at all but in fact a pure heart, good and clean and free of secrets. In a moment of desperation I started to wonder if I should have signed up for potions class, but I got over it quickly.

After finishing potions, I left for the bathroom. Not to go to the bathroom of course, because I don't do that, but to barf up that Grindylow I had for lunch. I swear, my thighs were getting fatter by the second, there was no room to be eating on a monthly bases!

**Author's Note: YAY! TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE DAY! I must say I'm rather proud of myself for this one. It took like an hour, maybe an hour and a half to write, because I had to research potions and stuff. Anyway! If you don't know, or if you haven't read Harry Potter in the last couple of months, all Edward's answers are WRONG. About as wrong as you could get! But that should be obvious even without having read Harry Potter at all. Maybe not the wartcap one, but if you really don't know, Wartcap powder makes your hand get all crusty and hard. (It happened to Sirius when they were cleaning out the Drawing room. It was in the snuffbox, and he got rid of it with a tap of his wand.)**

**I LOVE YOU GUYS!**

**HannahSkywalker27**


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